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Thread: Time for the Wet Jokes to start...

  1. #1

    Default Time for the Wet Jokes to start...

    It was a dark, stormy, night. The Sailor was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A Captain stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Seaman snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out ," Good Evening, Sir!"

    The Captain, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Seaman, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Sailor wasn't going to disagree with the Captain, so the he saluted again and replied "Yes Sir!".

    The Captain continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Seaman didn't agree, but then the seaman was just a seaman, and responded " Yes Sir!"

    Then the Captain, pointing at the dog said, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Seaman glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said " Yes Sir!" The Captain continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Seaman simply said, "Good trade Sir!"

    :eek: LOL

  2. #2

    Default

    A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good-looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island.

    One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

    "What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

    "Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."

    Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself.

    With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

    The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

    ;)

  3. #3

    Default

    One more for now... my favorite:

    Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.

    In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

    For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

    One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:



    Port Left
    Starboard Right.


    That should get us going...

  4. #4
    Midshipman
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    Default

    .....(groan..hangs head) :p

  5. #5

    Default

    Oh dear, is it too late to jump ship or have we already left port?

  6. #6

    Default

    Commander: Are you happy that you are serving in the Royal Navy?
    Cadet: Aye, aye sir, I am very happy.
    Commander: And what did you do before your navy career?
    Cadet: I was much happier...

  7. #7
    Ordinary Seaman
    Ordinary Seaman
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    OMG! I need a drink.

  8. #8
    Admiral of the Blue.
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    Join me at the bar, I've been there since the first joke. The bad news is that the Emoticons are out of beer.
    Bligh.

  9. #9
    Admiral of the Blue.
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    Default You asked for it Ken.

    A sailor walks into a tavern and the barman says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
    "What do you mean?" the seaman replies, "I'm fine."
    The barman says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
    "Well," says the matelot, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
    "Yeah," says the barman, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
    "Well,"answers the seadog , "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
    "Oh," retorts the barman, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
    "Well," says the tar, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."
    "What!" exclaimed the barman, " You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"
    "No," replies the seaman, " But I hadn't got used to the hook yet."

    Bligh.

  10. #10

    Default

    LOL! OUCH!

  11. #11
    Midshipman
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bligh View Post
    Join me at the bar, I've been there since the first joke. The bad news is that the Emoticons are out of beer.
    Bligh.
    :pint: :pint: :pint: :grog: :FOK: ..........AAAARRRGGGHHH! NOOOOOOO!

  12. #12

    Default

    Rob, that one I will remember and pass on. Thanks.

  13. #13
    Ordinary Seaman
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    A dirty looking seadog rolls into a quayside tavern and snarls,"Gimme some ale, an' call me captin!"
    "If your the captain," replies the barman, "Where are your buccaneers?"
    "Under me buckin' hat! Now, where's me ale??"

  14. #14
    Ordinary Seaman
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Cowman View Post
    One more for now... my favorite:

    Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.

    In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

    For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

    One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:



    Port Left
    Starboard Right.


    That should get us going...

    This one i've GOT to tell at work ...The guys are gonna love this one:p

  15. #15
    Midshipman
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    Here we go again, lol lol

  16. #16

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    Darell someone was going to do it eventually.... I just figured I would get the jump on it!

  17. #17
    2nd Lt
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    Cowman those are great. I have to share with the Navy guys I work with.

  18. #18

    Default

    Here is a more modern one I like:

    An Army general, a Marine general and a Navy admiral are all sitting around discussing whose service is better and whose troops are the bravest.

    The Army general (well into his second or third iced tea) announces to the group, "My soldiers are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible!" as he reaches for the phone. Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promptly calls for his best soldier.

    When all three representatives have arrived, the general states, "Since it was my idea, I'm first." Turning to the soldier, he says, "Private, I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark-infested waters, climb up that sheer cliff and return with two bird eggs... unbroken of course."

    The PFC took off running towards the cliff. After performing a triple-lindy into the water, the Ranger swam across the ten miles of ocean (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs over to the admiral and hands him the two unbroken eggs.

    The Marine general says, "That wasn't anything," and turning to his Marine he says, "Corporal, I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff, then move across the four miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back two eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."

    And with that the corporal moved out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the two eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the general, the Marine hands him the eggs.

    The admiral smiles then says, "Very nice gentlemen," and turning towards his sailor he says, "Chief, I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, through the four miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back two eggs from the forest on the other side."

    The Chief looks at the admiral, then the cliff, and again back to the admiral, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR, GO GET YOUR OWN EGGS!" renders a proper hand salute and walks away.

    The admiral turns towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says "Now gentlemen, THAT'S bravery."

  19. #19

    Default

    Why are pirates called pirates? Because they aaaarrrr!

    What does a pirate call his mum/mom? Mothaaarrr!

    What does a pirate call a prostitute? A hookaaarrr!

    Who collects the pirate's tax? the I. aaarrr. S

    What do Jamaican pirates listen to? Bob Maaarrrley

    As a child, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.

    A pirate and his crew were busy plundering a ship. When he entered the captain's quarters, he saw the captain hunched over a table, obviously deep in thought. When the captain didn't move, the pirate came closer with cutlass raised, but stopped short when he noticed that the captain was involved in a game of chess ... with a parrot! The pirate watched for a few seconds, and soon the captain made a move. "Good move! Good move!" the parrot cried, "Nice! Nice!"
    Well, needless to say, the pirate was quite impressed. "Arrgh, matey! That be quite the talented parrot ye be playin' against thar," he said.
    The captain looked up at the pirate, somewhat startled, as he had been so involved with the game that he had not noticed the tar standing there. "Ahh, he's not so smart," he replied, "I've beaten the blighter two out of three." (Bah-dum-dum)
    "So what would the bird do if ye made a blunder?" asked the pirate.
    "Somersaults," was the quick reply.
    "Somersaults?" the pirate said, "That be incredble! How many would it be doin' then?"
    "That would depend on how hard I slap him."

  20. #20

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    Cruelty to Animals!!! Cruelty to Animals!!!! LMAO!

  21. #21
    Ordinary Seaman
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    Default Why pirates say "Aaaargh!"

    After years of drinking, fighting and whoring, an old pirate becomes concerned at the hard round, green, knobbly growths appearing around his groin. He visits the ships surgeon, who examines him, but says he has never come across the condition before, and that he would do well to see a specialist in Port Royal.
    So the old salt jumps ship and signs on with a vessel sailing for Jamaica. Once in Port Royal he searches for a specialist and finally finds a newly arrived, highly respected doctor, just out from England.
    He explains his problem and the doctor tells him to drop his trousers. They both stare at his problem area, then the doctor examines him thoroughly.
    After a while the doctor sighs and tells the pirate that he has never seen this condition before, but that he has read about it.
    "The Latin name is.." began the doctor, but the pirate interrupts, "Never mind the fancy words, Doc, just tell me what I've got!"
    "O.K." replied the doctor. "You know how if a boxer is punched in the ears too many times, he develops cauliflower ears?"
    "Yes, but these ain't cauliflower ears, Doc!!"

    "No,old chap, they're brothel sprouts!":eek::eek::eek:

    Aaaaargh!! :D:D:D

  22. #22
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    Brothel Sprouts! LOL!!!!!!!

  23. #23

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    WOW There went one more vegetable permanently off of my menu....

  24. #24
    Ordinary Seaman
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    Two jolly pirates are strolling along a back street in Port Royal.
    A dusky wench leans out of an upstairs window and calls "Come on up boys, and I'll give you something you've never had before!"
    "Run, Fred!" shouts the first pirate, "I bet it's leprosy!!"

  25. #25
    Admiral of the Blue.
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    Default The meaning of real Courage.

    Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

    Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.''

    All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.

    Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.''

  26. #26
    Admiral of the Blue.
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    One to keep things going.


    "Well," snarled a tough old Boatswain to bullied seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

    "Not me, Boatswain!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

    Bligh.

  27. #27
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    Those are all good for a laf . you guys are good Ican't even type a good joke

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