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Thread: Humor of the Sea

  1. #101

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    Q: Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?
    A: Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

  2. #102

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    Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
    A: A bird that will talk your head off.
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

  3. #103
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    Did you hear about the red pirate ship that collided with the blue pirate ship?… All the sailors were marooned.


    Bligh.

  4. #104
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    Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?

    Because they spend years at C!

    Rob.

  5. #105

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    Q: Why is pirating so addictive?
    A: They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

  6. #106
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    A Midshipman asks the Master, "What's a bar?"

    The ships Master replies, " Tiz a low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers swanning around both."

    Rob.

  7. #107

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    Q: What's it called when a pirate's sloop runs aground?
    A: It's ship out of luck.

    Found a few ''R" rated jokes recently, but as this site is family friendly I will refrain from posting.
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

  8. #108
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    What do you call a sail with only 2 corners?


    "I haven't got a clew!"

    Rob.

  9. #109
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    Why do Pirates have long hair.

    Because sea captains don't like crew cuts.


    Rob.

  10. #110
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bligh View Post
    Why do Pirates have long hair.

    Because sea captains don't like crew cuts.


    Rob.
    Oh lord.

  11. #111

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    Q: What's the favorite part of a birthday party for a pirate?
    A: Da-balloons!!
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

  12. #112
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    What does Captain Jack Sparrow use to cook?

    Pyrex of the Caribbean!

    Bligh.

  13. #113

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bligh View Post
    What does Captain Jack Sparrow use to cook?

    Pyrex of the Caribbean!

    Bligh.
    To quote Hugh, "Oh, lord."
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

  14. #114
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nightmoss View Post
    To quote Hugh, "Oh, lord."
    Don't blame me Jim, Dave started it!
    Rob.

  15. #115
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    What do you call a pirate with paperbacks attached to his earrings?

    A Book-on-ear.

  16. #116
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    How do pirates prefer to communicate?

    Aye to aye!

    Bligh.

  17. #117

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    Q: How do pirates pay for a round o' rum down at the pub?
    A: With Bar-Nickels!
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

  18. #118
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    God one Jim.
    If any of these can be rated as good!
    Rob.

  19. #119
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    How do we know that Jake the Peg was a pirate?

    Answer: Because he was a three-booter.

  20. #120

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bligh View Post
    God one Jim.
    If any of these can be rated as good!
    Rob.
    Well, I figure if they make me groan or chuckle they're good for something.
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

  21. #121
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    How do ye turn a pirate furious?

    Take the ‘p’. out of him.

    Bligh.

  22. #122
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    What's a pirate's favorite letter?


    You may think it's the RRRRR, but it's the C that they're in love with! Aye.

    Bligh.

  23. #123
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    How pirates started using Arrh.

    "The cannons be loaded, Capt'n"
    "Are"
    "We be ready, Cap'n"
    "ARE!"

  24. #124
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    Two naval officers were on shore leave in Malaya. They found a river leading into a beautiful bay and decided to go swimming. They asked a local fisherman. "Are there any sharks in the bay today?" "No sharks.", he replied, so they went and enjoyed their swims.

    Afterwards they found the fisherman again, thanked him and asked, "Are there ever sharks in the bay?". "No, never.", he replied,"Too many crocodiles!".

  25. #125
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    Where can ye find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?


    Right where ye left him.


    Rob.

  26. #126
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    Why does the mermaid wear seashells?…

    Because she grew out of her B-shells.


    Rob.

  27. #127
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bligh View Post
    Why does the mermaid wear seashells?…

    Because she grew out of her B-shells.


    Rob.
    This one made my wife groan.

  28. #128
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dobbs View Post
    This one made my wife groan.
    Dobbs. I could not possibly comment.
    Rob.

  29. #129
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    How long does it take the average person to learn to sail?




    The average person never learns to sail!


    Bligh.

  30. #130
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    An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

    After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

    "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

    The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"


    Rob.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  31. #131
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    "Well," snarled the tough old Boatswain to the bewildered Seaman.
    "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy,
    you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

    "Not me, bosun!" the Seaman replied.
    "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

    Rob.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  32. #132

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    Q: What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?

    A: It gets wet.
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

  33. #133
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    Yesss!

    Rob.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  34. #134
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    Remember-the two most dangerous things in the navy are a Purser with a quill pen and paper, and a Midshipman with an idea.

    Bligh.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  35. #135

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    Q: What happens when you throw a red rock in the Black Sea?

    A: It sinks to the bottom.
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

  36. #136

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bligh View Post
    Remember-the two most dangerous things in the navy are a Purser with a quill pen and paper, and a Midshipman with an idea.

    Bligh.
    I would suggest that an admiral with an idea is equally, if not more dangerous

  37. #137
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    Quote Originally Posted by David Manley View Post
    I would suggest that an admiral with an idea is equally, if not more dangerous
    Right on Dave.
    Thankfully for us Nelson with an idea, was dangerous in a totally different sort of way to most other Admirals.
    Rob.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  38. #138

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    Q: Where does seaweed look for a job?

    A: In the ‘Kelp-wanted’ ads.
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

  39. #139
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    Why did the admiral decide against buying a new hat?

    He was afraid of cap sizing.

    Rob.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  40. #140
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    "What's your Halloween costume this year?"

    "The most-terrifying thing in the universe -- a Midshipman with a map and compass."

  41. #141
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    My Midshipman went on a sailing course in Poole.

    In Dorset?

    Yes, I'd recommend it to anyone.


    Bligh.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  42. #142
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    There once was a pirate named Bates,
    Who danced the Fandango on skates.
    He fell on his cutlass
    Which rendered him nut less,
    And practically useless on dates!

    Bligh.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  43. #143
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    Q: Why do pirates need lots of shampoo and conditioner?

    A: Because they have coarse hair.

  44. #144
    Admiral of the Blue.
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    I saw a Boatswain's mate managing to juggle twenty rowing implements.

    It was oar inspiring.

    Bligh.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  45. #145

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    Q: Why don’t oysters give to charity?

    A: Because they’re shellfish.
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

  46. #146
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    Big sale on rowing paddles at my local ship's chandlers.


    It’s quite an oar deal.

    Rob.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  47. #147

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    Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

    A: F sh
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

  48. #148
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    I’m not one for buoyancy, but whatever floats your boat…

    Rob.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  49. #149
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    What keeps the sea from flooding a dry dock?

    Pier pressure.

    Rob.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  50. #150
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    How do you cure constipation in a sailor?

    "SHARK!"

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