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Thread: Humor of the Sea

  1. #1901
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    The crew of a fast frigate was practicing the man overboard drill by "rescuing" a bright orange fluorescent dummy dubbed Mortimer. The captain watched as a young lieutenant nervously stopped the ship, turned it and maneuvered into place. Unfortunately, he ran right over Mortimer. Surveying the remains of Mortimer scattered around the ship, the captain told the lieutenant,

    "Son, do me a favor. If I ever fall overboard, just drop anchor and I'll swim to you."

  3. #1903
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  4. #1904
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    The Fighting Sailor

    In the 60's there was a Navy sailor who had for weeks been assisting in the landing of infantry in Vietnam. The sailor was fed-up with the work on the ship. He craved action, so he attached himself to one of the combat units and soon arrived at Hill 248.

    There was hot action and the sailor distinguished himself so that he was decorated for outstanding bravery. But his absence was discovered back at the port. They determined where he was and wired that he be returned immediately.

    The reply from the sailor's commanding officer read like this: "Your seaman is fighting on Hill 2' 48. He's doing a helluva job, been cited for bravery and decorated. You come and get him because we're afraid to go up after him!"

  5. #1905
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  6. #1906
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    That might actually happen one day, Rob.




    A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

    "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

    "Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

    "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

    "Throw out another anchor, sir."

    "And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

    "Throw out another anchor, sir."

    "Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

    "From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

  7. #1907
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  8. #1908
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  9. #1909
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    HIGHBROW REPORT

    After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: "Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition."

    The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.

  10. #1910
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    In answer to that one Dave.

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    No Reverse On Expensive Fighter

    At the Naval Air Station a young ground-crew member was being trained on how to direct an F-14 into the fuel pit for hot refueling. The instructor gave him a go and after quite some wild arm weaving the F-14 was parking, but when checking they discovered that he had taxied the aircraft too far forward from the fuel hose to reach the airplane.

    "You'll have to send him around again," said the instructor.

    "What?" he said, surprised. "They spend millions on these things and you can't even put them in reverse?"

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  13. #1913
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    New submarine Ensign

    The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.

    He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.

    The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

  14. #1914
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  15. #1915
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    Terrorists in Turkey decided to take some Americans as hostages. They run across two Sailors and a Marine on Shore Leave. In the course of tieing them up one of the terrorist's mask slips off. He asks one of the Sailors, "Did you see my face?"

    The Sailor answers yes, and the terrorist shoots him. Then the terrorist turns to the second Sailor. "Did you see my face?"

    "No, but the MARINE did..."

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    A Marine on shore leave is walking down the street and sees a Sailor jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86".

    The Marine asks the Sailor, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?"

    The Sailor says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out."

    The Marine thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay."

    The Sailor lifts the manhole cover, the Marine steps into the manhole, and the Sailor puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...

  18. #1918
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    Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

    "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."

    "Oh? And what does your father do?"

    "He's in the Army, sir."

  19. #1919
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    Somebody failed to do a proper risk assessment here. The cat has not been issued with a life jacket!

    Rob.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  21. #1921
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    A Uboater's wife worked at the Navy exchange dry cleaners while he was stationed at the submarine base in Groton, Conn.

    One evening a familiar-looking man in civilian clothes came to pick up his dry cleaning. She was sure he was on her husband's crew and that she had met him at the "Welcome Aboard" party a few weeks earlier.

    As she gave him his change, she said, "Excuse me, but aren't you on my husband's boat?"

    "No, Ma'am," the commanding officer replied, "I believe your husband is on MY boat."

  22. #1922
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  23. #1923
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    Stand In Line

    "Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and dance on my grave."

    "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  25. #1925
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    Have you heard about the karate champion who joined the navy?

    No. Well I have. The first time he saluted, he nearly killed himself!

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  27. #1927
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    An old Sailor and an old Fleet Marine were sitting in the Legion Club arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

    "I did 30 years in the Corps", the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. 'Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a fire-fight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

    "Ah" said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "Lucky you, all shore duty, huh?"

  28. #1928
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  29. #1929
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    Grunt, sailor and airman

    On a rather slow day, to further cement amicable relations between branches, the DoD came up with a plan to have a massive camping trip involving all the actively enlisted men.

    A grunt, a sailor and an airman found themselves together at a covered mess table. After customary greeting grunts, they decided might as well make the best of a bad situation and try to get along. The sailor spoke first. "Hey. What didja guys bring along?"

    "Well, I brought some bug spray." The grunt said.

    "Whatzzat for?" The other two replied

    "Keep the bugs off, you dumb-asses."

    After several minutes of silence, the sailor spoke up again, nodding to the airman. "Whatdidja bring?"

    "Brought a sleeping bag."

    "Why did ya do that? We already got some supplied." The grunt pointed out.

    The pampered airman responded, "Yea well, they didn't have the nice thermal-padded ones." Rolling his eyes, the grunt looked ready to kick the airman's rear. As he was standing up, the sailor coughed politely. The other two look him over to the sailor, who was grinning ear to ear. The airman asked the question which the sailor so obviously wanted to be asked. "What did you bring?"

    "A car door."

    "What the hell would you need a car door for?!" The thoroughly agitated grunt yelped.

    The sailor's toothy smile got larger. "If we get hot, we can roll the window down."

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  31. #1931
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    Pilot's pre-launch brief off the carrier to his passenger in a 2-place jet:

    "If anything goes wrong off the cat, I'll say 'Eject Eject Eject'. If you say 'Huh?', you'll be talking to yourself."

  32. #1932
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  33. #1933
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    Holiday Greeting

    The nuclear Aircraft Carrier, U.S.S. Harry S. Truman (CVN 75), and the ships in her Battle Group, got underway from Norfolk, Va. the week before Christmas for an extended deployment. Just as the lines were cast off, this announcement was made throughout the ship and topside on the ships intercom:

    "Peace on Earth to men of good will - All others, Stand By"

  34. #1934
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    I think that one is good enough to go into Fun Facts Dave.
    Rob.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  36. #1936
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    Two Viking invaders are trudging up the beach in the pouring rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is England. What's it like?"

    The other snarls, "Well, if you like the weather, you'll love the food."

  37. #1937
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  38. #1938
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    Michelle, the commander of a Coast Guard Cutter. gave her father, Bob, a tour of her ship, he was impressed by the neatness of all the decks.

    However, when Bob went to Michelle's house with her, he couldn't believe the disorganization.

    "Why is everything in its place on your ship," he asked, "but your house is such a mess?"

    "My house," Michelle said, "does not take 30 degree rolls."

  39. #1939
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  40. #1940
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    A couple was touring a shipyard area in a coastal city of Italy when they saw a strange looking craft. They stopped and asked a worker, "Sir, is that a U-boat?"

    "No," he replied, "shesa belonga to da goverment."

  41. #1941
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  42. #1942
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    Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing:

    "You've got to land here son, this is where the food is."

  43. #1943
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  44. #1944
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    "In the Navy, the Chief is always right." (Written on the door into the Chiefs quarters)

  45. #1945
    Admiral of the Blue.
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    Name:  images5A62YPV4.jpg
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  46. #1946
    Admiral of the Blue.
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  47. #1947
    Vice Admiral of the Red.
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    Name:  TravToon-92-Snorkel-Fish1.jpg
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  48. #1948
    Vice Admiral of the Red.
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    Q: What do you call a baby whale?


    A: A little squirt.

  49. #1949
    Admiral of the Blue.
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  50. #1950
    Vice Admiral of the Red.
    Admiral
    UK

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    David

    Default

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