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Thread: Humor of the Sea

  1. #51

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    I swear this occurred just this way.....

    My wife and I were cruising the waterway one Sunday and at this particular time we were in deep discussion about our not attending church recently.

    We were basically saying how it was not really possible with us being on the water.

    Not 5 minutes later, my wife tell me we are in big trouble if we don't get out of the channel, a large Church is trying to pass us!

    I just laughed until she shouted, "you need to do it now, I'm serious"...so I looked.

    Attachment 7537

  2. #52
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    I'll counter that, David, with ONE PERSON, and a DEAF one at that, wrote Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Now THERE's a sad comment on the noise that people call "music" these days... :P

  3. #53

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    Right you are. I can remember when I enjoyed listening to music on the radio. But that was many years ago.

  4. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gunner View Post
    Right you are. I can remember when I enjoyed listening to music on the radio. But that was many years ago.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t63_HRwdAgk

    :)

  5. #55

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    Can't get enough of Queen. Thanks.

  6. #56
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    I heard this one but not sure if it is true.

    A USMC F18 is flying patrol off the coast of Iran. He receives a call from an Iranian controller:
    unidentified aircraft you are in Iranian air space.
    The pilot calls back and ID's himself as a USMC F18 and he is international air space.
    Again the Iranian controller tells him he is in their air space and again he states he is not.
    The Iranian tells him he is sending two fighters up to intercept him.
    The Marine pilot says OK I will wait.

    I guess this would be better in the Aerodrome but it is a plane from a carrier.

  7. #57
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    Here is an old one.

    Question: How do we know that Christopher Columbus had small ships?

    Answer: Because it took eight Pintas to make one galleon.

  8. #58
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    Do I need to explain that here in the U.K. we have two systems for liquid measurement? In addition to litres we also use the Imperial system. We have 'pints' - mainly used for measuring beer nowadays and 'gallons'. One gallon equals eight pints, hence the joke. In Napoleonic times sailors might be issued with a 'pint of grog' (rum).

  9. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by Naharaht View Post
    Here is an old one.

    Question: How do we know that Christopher Columbus had small ships?

    Answer: Because it took eight Pintas to make one galleon.
    That is horribly great. I love jokes that make my friends groan, and puns do that so well. Thanks, David.

  10. #60
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    I hope this one would be O.K...

    In the middle of the bridge, over the edge, there is a beautiful and perfectly built blond girl, looking down into the blue sea, ready to jump. Suddenly, a young and handsome sailor in uniform appears.
    "Girl, what are you doing in the middle of the bridge?" cried the sailor .
    "Oh, I want to kill myself, every men every day just wants to get me laid and nothing more, no one wants to hang out with me and talk!" replied sad blond.
    "Do not say that, we are not all the same! I am embarking tonight to a ship to America. If you want to come with me, you can, for free. You can sleep on the other bed in my cabin, and I will secretly bring you the food. Just promise me you'll stay hidden in my cabin - if captain finds you, we are both history.
    Blond thought: "There's chance for new beginning!"
    Secretly, during the night, they both embarked the ship... Next morning, sailor brought her breakfast to the bed, and went back to work. Then he brought her lunch to the bed, and went back to work, again. At the evening, he brought her dinner and, dead tired from work, fell asleep into his bed. Same happened the next day, and the next, and the next… etc.
    Blond, after some time, finally realized she had a crush on him. When he returned to the cabin at the evening, she kissed him and they ended up having passionate sex.... And so they did next two months. During the day, while he worked, she enjoyed in cleaning and tiding their cabin. And every evening narrow ship bed creaked with their passion. Until, one morning, captain, by accident entered their cabin. He saw a beautiful blond and asked her, amazed:
    "Girl, what are you doing on my ship!?"
    "You know , Captain ... I wanted to kill myself because all men just wanted to get me laid, and none of them wanted to hang out with me and talk.
    He saved me, your young sailor, and took me to this boat to America. He risked his job to help me and he's beautiful to me, working hard all day, and bringing me food. We fell in love, and we were making love every night, until our souls and bodies became one. No scum uses my body any more, and no one, as you men are disgustingly saying, is 'f**king' me no more…"
    The captain calmly looked over his glasses, and replied:
    Well… He is, honey… He is. ’Cause... This is a ferry Split - Brac!"

  11. #61
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    A sailor walks into a bar.

    "What can I get you?", asks the barman.

    "Oh. Just a glass of salt water.", replies the sailor.

    "No problem.", says the barman, "Whatever floats your boat ...."

  12. #62
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    The Admiral was on a tour of inspection of the U.S.S. Higgs. The Captain was showing him around.

    "Admiral, may I introduce you to my staff? These are my first lieutenant, 2nd lieutenant, 3rd lieutenant, 4th lieutenant and Lieutenant of Marines. Here we have the sailing master, the ship's surgeon, the quartermaster and the gunner........and this is the Higg's bosun."

  13. #63
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    How do you make a Pirate angry?








    Take the P out of him.

  14. #64
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    Right you asked for it Dave.


    A collision between the Sloop, Red Dawn, and the schooner, Blue Lagoon, left the survivors marooned.

    Bligh.

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    I just finished a book on Operation Market-Garden.

    I can't recommend it, tho' -- they left out a lot of details.

    It was Abridged Too Far.

    B)

  16. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by csadn View Post
    I just finished a book on Operation Market-Garden.

    I can't recommend it, tho' -- they left out a lot of details.

    It was Abridged Too Far.

    B)
    By your usual high standards of bad puns Chris, that was well below the waterline.
    Bligh.

  17. #67

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    This one involves a bell, but no water. It made me chuckle but then my sense of humor is often dark. Enjoy (or not).

    Guy walks into a church, climbs up to the belfry and runs face-first into the bell. It rings loudly, but he falls to his death. Police ask if anyone knows him and the reply is: "no, but his face rings a bell." Next day another stranger comes in, states it was his brother who died the day before, repeats the ringing and the fatal fall. When asked if anyone can ID him, the reply: "he's a dead ringer for his brother."
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

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    Think you'll find it's an American ship and way funnier.

    https://uk.video.search.yahoo.com/vi...spart=iry&tt=b

    Quote Originally Posted by Cpt Kangaroo View Post
    I have a couple of jokes to share and I know a bunch of you have more. Share!

    To start us off...

    This is the actual transcript of a radio conversation between a British Navy ship and the Irish Coastguard, off the coast of Kerry:

    Irish. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid collision

    British. Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north, to avoid collision

    Irish. Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south ' to avoid collision.

    British. This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

    Irish. Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course

    British. THIS IS THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY 3 DESTROYERS, 3 CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT SHIPS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS FLOTILLA.

    Irish. THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE ....... YOUR CALL!


    Attachment 12328

  19. #69
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    Name:  color-navy-whales-web.jpg
Views: 361
Size:  165.4 KB

  20. #70
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    Another groaner which your children may appreciate.

    Question: What is a pirate's favourite vegetable?

    Answer: Arrrrrtichoke.

  21. #71
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    Right you asked for it Dave!

    What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in an ice floe?


    Well shiver me timbers!

    Bligh.

  22. #72
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    Nice one, Rob! :)

    Another bad one:

    What do pirates say about their gravy?


    Answer: Arrrrr Bisto!




    (For the benefit of non-British members I had better explain that Bisto is a brand of gravy products and their slogan is "aah! Bisto".)
    Name:  IDShot_540x540.jpg
Views: 230
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  23. #73
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    One for our American brethren.

    How much does it cost a pirate to get a piercing? A buck an ear!

    Rob.

  24. #74
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    How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook? An arm and a leg!

    Bligh.

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    How did the pirate stop smoking? He used his patch!

    Bligh.

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    Why does a pirate's phone go beep beep beep beep beep? because he left it off the hook!

    Rob.

  27. #77
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    Why couldn't the pirate play cards?


    Because he was sitting on the deck!

    Rob.

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    The man stood on the burning deck
    His head was all a quiver
    From rotten jokes he was a wreck
    And from ale all a shiver
    He shouted out do give the hell
    The puns are worse than flames
    The ones old Cap'n Bligh do tell
    Are nowt but a crying shame.
    Send down your tears
    Drown out the sound
    Or drown me sodden fears
    For either way it's Davy Jones I'm bound.

  29. #79

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    Quote Originally Posted by Union Jack View Post
    The man stood on the burning deck
    His head was all a quiver
    From rotten jokes he was a wreck
    And from ale all a shiver
    He shouted out do give the hell
    The puns are worse than flames
    The ones old Cap'n Bligh do tell
    Are nowt but a crying shame.
    Send down your tears
    Drown out the sound
    Or drown me sodden fears
    For either way it's Davy Jones I'm bound.
    Now that is brilliant!
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

  30. #80
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    Quote Originally Posted by Union Jack View Post
    The man stood on the burning deck
    His head was all a quiver
    From rotten jokes he was a wreck
    And from ale all a shiver
    He shouted out do give the hell
    The puns are worse than flames
    The ones old Cap'n Bligh do tell
    Are nowt but a crying shame.
    Send down your tears
    Drown out the sound
    Or drown me sodden fears
    For either way it's Davy Jones I'm bound.
    Haha very good

  31. #81
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    A merry riposte to Neil.


    I plead it was no awful puns
    Bligh set alight around you.
    For Dave it was who lit the spark,
    with bad joke to astound you.
    Twas he that proved a catalyst,
    When warning he did shun,
    Which set the thread of jokes aflame,
    Which caused brave men to run.
    The fire once kindled, neer goes out
    Until from puns you pluck it,
    Then just like smoke it fades away,
    This last lines wrong, so ignore it.

    Bligh.

  32. #82

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bligh View Post
    A merry riposte to Neil.


    I plead it was no awful puns
    Bligh set alight around you.
    For Dave it was who lit the spark,
    with bad joke to astound you.
    Twas he that proved a catalyst,
    When warning he did shun,
    Which set the thread of jokes aflame,
    Which caused brave men to run.
    The fire once kindled, neer goes out
    Until from puns you pluck it,
    Then just like smoke it fades away,
    This last lines wrong, so ignore it.

    Bligh.
    lol. Just as brilliant! Perhaps you two could be the new Gilbert and Sullivan?
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

  33. #83
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    Bligh, you are a poet
    and we did not know it.


  34. #84
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nightmoss View Post
    lol. Just as brilliant! Perhaps you two could be the new Gilbert and Sullivan?
    More like Laurel and Hardy if you ask me.


    ARTIST: Gilbert and Sullivan
    TITLE: The First Lord's Song

    [HMS Pinafore]


    When I was a lad I served a term
    As office boy to an attorney's firm
    I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor
    And I polished up the handle of the big front door

    I polished up that handle so carefully
    That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navy
    He polished up that handle so carefully
    That now he is the Ruler of the Queen's Navy


    As office boy I made such a mark
    That they gave me the post of a junior clerk
    I served the writs with a smile so bland
    And I copied all the letters in a big round hand

    I copied all the letters in a hand so free
    That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navy
    He copied all the letters in a hand so free
    That now he is the Ruler of the Queen's Navy

    In serving writs I made such a name
    That an articled clerk I soon became
    I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit
    For the Pass Examination at the Institute

    And that Pass Examination did so well for me
    That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navy
    That Pass Examination did so well for he
    That now he is the Ruler of the Queen's Navy

    Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip
    That they took me into the partnership
    And that junior partnership I ween
    Was the only ship that I ever had seen

    But that kind of ship so suited me
    That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navy
    But that kind of ship so suited he
    That now he is the Ruler of the Queen's Navy

    I grew so rich that I was sent
    By a pocket borough into Parliament
    I always voted at my party's call
    And I never thought of thinking for myself at all

    I thought so little, they rewarded me
    By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navy
    He thought so little, they rewarded he
    By making him the Ruler of the Queen's Navy

    Now, landsmen all, whoever you may be
    If you want to rise to the top of the tree
    If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool
    Be careful to be guided by this golden rule

    Stick close to your desks and never go to sea
    And you all may be Rulers of the Queen's Navy
    Stick close to your desks and never go to sea
    And you all may be Rulers of the Queen's Navy

  35. #85
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    And now for the next broadside. You did not think you would get off that easily did you Dave?

    Why do pirates wear eye patches?


    They can’t afford an iPad!


    Bligh.

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    How do pirates know that they are pirates?
    A: They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

  37. #87
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    Why is pirating so addictive?
    A: They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!

  38. #88
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    What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
    A: He got marooned.

  39. #89
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    How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply?
    A: He bought it on sail.

  40. #90
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    What has 8 legs, 8 arms and 8 eyes?
    A: 8 pirates.

  41. #91
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    What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
    A: A rookie

  42. #92
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    What did the ocean say to the pirate?
    A: Nothing, it just waved.

  43. #93
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    What’s the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate?
    A: One has a rumbling tummy, and the other’s a tumbling rummy.

  44. #94
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    How did the pirate get his ship so cheaply?

    It was on sail.

    Rob.

  45. #95
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    What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

    "Aye Matey."

    Bligh.

  46. #96
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    Why do Pirates only cry in a corner on their own?
    Because they prefer private tears.

    Bligh.

  47. #97

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    Did you know 3.14% of Sailors are Pi Rates?
    "It's not the towering sails, but the unseen wind that moves a ship."
    –English Proverb

  48. #98
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    Now that is a good one Jim.
    Rob.

  49. #99
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    Well done, Jim!

  50. #100
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    On a pirate ship out on the high seas, the First Mate was up in the crow’s nest looking out for danger. Suddenly, a huge wave came from nowhere and slapped the side of the ship so hard it rocked back and forth. The First Mate fell from the crow’s nest, through the upper deck and crashed right into the Captain’s quarters. The Captain strolled into his quarters and, astonished, asked the First Mate if he was alright.
    “Aye Captain,” the first mate answered, “I be fine, I’ve been through hard ships before!”

    Rob.

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