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Thread: Humor of the Sea

  1. #1851
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

    One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

    "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

  3. #1853
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  4. #1854
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    An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he ditched his escorts and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a seaman, and decided to ask a few questions to check the level of training aboard.

    "Sailor," he asked, "what would you do if someone fell over the rail?"

    "Officer or enlisted?" was the instant reply.

    "Um, okay, enlisted, uh, someone from your division. Yeah, one of your buds falls over the side, what would you do?"

    "Call away 'Man Overboard,' toss a floatation device to him, stick by the rail and try to keep an eye on him while the ship turns and lookouts assemble. When a phone talker arrives, give information to the bridge to aid in the recovery."

    "Okay, sailor, good answer. But I have to ask, what would you do if an officer fell over the side?"

    The sailor leaned close, looked left and right, and asked, "Which one?"

  5. #1855
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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  7. #1857
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    Best one for a while Jason.
    Rob.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    Good one, Jason!

    Naval pun

    A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

    The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.
    When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.

    "What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

    "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    When asked by a higher officer how some compulsive gamblers were doing as sailors, the captain said,

    "Generally fine, except when they hear, All hands on deck, then they all pick up their cards!"

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    A good one, Rob.

    The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.

    After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.

    A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.

    The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked.

    The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."

    The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"

    The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."

    The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."

    The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water. "What's the matter, Mate?" asked the sick bay attendant. "Do you feel pain?"

    "No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    Two sailors, Joe and Sam stepped off their ship to start their shore leave in Hawaii. Joe turned to Sam and said, "Wow, we have a whole weekend in Havaii. Lets find us a cold beer."

    Sam looked at Joe shaking his head and said, "Joe, why do you keep calling it 'Havaii.' It's pro-nounced 'Hawaii'."

    "Oh come on Sam, everyone knows it's pro-nounced 'Havaii', just talk to anyone."

    This went on for quite awhile as they walked down the dock so they decided to make a bet that the loser would buy the first two beers. With a handshake they sealed the bet and Joe asked the first man they seen, "Can you settle an argument between me and Sam?. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"

    "This is Havaii," the man replied.

    This made Joe puff up and he said to Sam, "Ha! That beer sure is going to taste good!"

    As they began to walk away, Joe turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"

    "You're Velcome!" the man called back.

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  18. #1868
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    The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"

    "John," the new seaman replied.

    "Look, I don't know what they're teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"

    "Aye, Aye Chief!"

    "Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

    The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."

    "Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ....."

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    Another very amusing one Dave.
    Rob.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    Reminds me of some games we have played.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    Submitted: Unknown

    Few people outside the military know what a Navy Quartermaster does (several duties include the watch-to-watch navigation and the maintenance of nautical charts and navigational instruments as well as duties that used to be part of the Signalman rating: visual communications).

    So during my aircraft carrier's Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphore. I grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat. When finished, I pointed to a little girl in front and asked, "Now do you know what I do?"

    "Yes," she answered. "You're a cheerleader."

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    The chief on a submarine was trying in vain to hook up some fire hoses. The wrenches he had didn't fit the connections, so he resorted to banging away at the hoses to make things fit. Just then an ensign walked by.

    "Chief," he yelled out, "I have a book on tools you can borrow."

    "Get it!" shouted the chief. "It's got to be heavier than this wrench I'm using."

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    On many U.S. Navy ships the movie screen is suspended amid-ship so that it can be viewed from both sides. This procedure makes it available to larger crowds at popular movies, but usually the junior officers get a reverse image from "the wrong side of the screen."

    One evening at dinnertime an enterprising young ensign passed the following word over the officer's IMC circuit:

    "The movie to be shown in the wardroom tonight for the senior officers is on the right side of the screen - The Left-Handed Gun, starring Paul Newman."

    "For the junior officers on the wrong side of the screen - The Right-Handed Gun, starring Namwen Luap."

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    Jim was just out of Navy boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise. He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary."

    The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck, that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead, that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttle- butt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I will throw you out of that little round window over there!"

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  29. #1879
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    One day, the American writer and comedian Robert Benchley was out to dinner with his son Nathaniel.

    We went to the Trocadero, writes Nathaniel in his memoir of his father Robert Benchley: A Biography. When, in the course of events, we left to go home, he went to a uniformed man at the door and said "Would you get us a taxi, please?"

    The man turned round and regarded him icily. "I'm very sorry," he said. "I happen to be a rear admiral in the United States Navy."

    "All right, then" said my father. "Get us a battleship."

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    The new ensign was standing his first night watch on the bridge of a destroyer. Far out on the horizon, the USS New Jersey was conducting a night gunnery exercise.

    The ensign, seeing the flashes of light from the battleship, ran excitedly up to the signal bridge and pointed out the "Morse code" coming from the other ship.

    Ensign: "What are they saying? What are they saying?"

    Signalman: "Boom. Boom."

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    On the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

    The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing: "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawines."

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  34. #1884

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    Wow! I just looked at the stats for this thread.

    Started it 08-26-2013 during a slow period. It was just an idea to keep us busy with something fun.

    We are now over two hundred thousand views and about six years later!

    You lot are awesome! I for one have greatly enjoyed all the jokes shared.

    Thank you all for sharing!

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    I have to admit that the jokes are running a bit thin on the ground now Erin, and finding new ones is starting to be more time consuming than I have got to spare as is the case with drinks and the pub signs. I also note that good as our memories are, a few of the pictures are re appearing so I may close the threads shortly. Only Dave and I are regular contributors now so the idea of getting the comunity involved in a bit of fun and banter, such as we have on the Drome, has fallen a bit flat.
    Rob.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  37. #1887
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    A good one, Rob.

    Submitted By Unknown

    My father served in the Seabees, which meant he was more likely to handle a cement mixer than a rifle. I tried to explain this to my six year-old-son.

    "Grandpa didn't fight in any battles," I said. "He wasn't that kind of soldier."

    "Oh!" said my son. "He was in the Salvation Army."

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    So was this one of yours Dave.
    Rob.
    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  39. #1889
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    A comment about submarines.

    "Even if a submarine should work by a miracle, it will never be used. No country in this world would ever use such a vicious and petty form of warfare!"
    William Henderson, British admiral(1914)

  40. #1890
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  41. #1891
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    Submitted By Unknown

    As he flew to Atlanta on a commercial airline, the admiral I worked for struck up a conversation with his elderly seatmate. She asked how he liked the Navy.

    "I love it," he answered. "It's the best thing I've ever done."

    "How nice," she said. "So do you think you'll make it a career?"

  42. #1892
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    While working as a Navy nurse in a military hospital's emergency room, all are required to introduce themselfs by their rank and full name. One usually refer to himself as Ensign Mike Payne, but one busy day, he rushed into a patient's room and blurted, "Hi, I'm Ensign Payne."

    "Hi," the patient responded. "I'm in some pain too."

  43. #1893
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  44. #1894
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  45. #1895
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    A destroyer pulled into Borneo for liberty. Cut down to a skeleton watch, most of the ship was empty for the night. A few piers down, a ship was loading local cargo for export. Among the crates was an orangutan, who broke out of his cage. The ape traveled the waterfront in the dark, and finally reached the destroyer. He climbed the mooring lines, boarded, and climbed up the smokestack. Inside the stack, the confused animal made it down to the engine room, and started wandering around. He came to an electrical panel, opened for maintenance, ignored the safety ropes, and managed to make contact with an extremely high voltage contact. Bright blue spark and the ship is suddenly dark throughout.

    A few minutes later, two hull techs are searching with their flashlights for the problem. They come on the dark burnt hairy body. They shine the flashlight on his long, long arms. They look at each other. They look at his short stubby legs. They look at each other. They look at his face for a long time.

    Finally, the third class tells the seaman: "Okay, his legs are too short for a machinist mate, his arms are too long for a boiler tech, and he's too hairy for an electrician. Call the wardroom, see if any of the junior officers are missing."

  46. #1896
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    A Lesson in Naval Logistics

    On 23 August 1779, the USS Constitution set sail from Boston, loaded with 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of water, 74,000 cannon shot, 115,000 pounds of black powder and 79,000 gallons of rum.

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    Her mission: to destroy and harass English Shipping

    On 6 October, she made Jamaica, took on 826 pounds of flour and 688,300 gallons of rum. Three weeks later, Constitution reached the Azores, where she provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

    On 18 November, she set sail for England where her crew captured and scuttled 12 English merchant vessels and took aboard rum.

    By this time, Constitution had run out of shot. Nevertheless, she made her way unarmed up the Firth of Clyde for a night raid. Here, her landing party captured a whiskey distillery, transferred 13,000 gallons aboard and headed for home.

    On 20 February 1780, the Constitution arrived in Boston with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, and no whiskey.

    She did, however, still carry her crew of 475 officers and men and 18,600 gallons of water. The math is quite enlightening:

    Length of cruise: 181 days

    Booze consumption: 1.26 gallons per man per day

    (this DOES NOT include the unknown quantity of rum captured from the 12 English merchant vessels in November).

    Naval historians note that the reenlistment rate from this cruise was 92%.

    LOGISTICS LESSON LEARNED:

    Don't load up with too much water.

  47. #1897
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  48. #1898
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    Flying near Athens

    As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a sailor asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"

    "Just snow," replied the stewardess.

    "That's what I thought," said the sailor, "but this soldier in front of me said it was Greece."

  49. #1899
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    The Business of the commander-in-chief is first to bring an enemy fleet to battle on the most advantageous terms to himself, (I mean that of laying his ships close on board the enemy, as expeditiously as possible); and secondly to continue them there until the business is decided.

  50. #1900
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    From an Unknown Sailor.

    A hospital corpsman and I were getting an elderly retired master chief petty officer out of his wheelchair, when I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee.

    "What's that?" I asked, unable to make out the design.

    "It's a banjo," he said sheepishly. "I'm from Alabama."


    [Think of the words of the song 'Oh, Suzannah'.]

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