Humor of the Sea

I have a couple of jokes to share and I know a bunch of you have more. Share!

To start us off...

This is the actual transcript of a radio conversation between a British Navy ship and the Irish Coastguard, off the coast of Kerry:

Irish. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid collision

British. Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north, to avoid collision

Irish. Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south ' to avoid collision.

British. This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Irish. Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course

British. THIS IS THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY 3 DESTROYERS, 3 CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT SHIPS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS FLOTILLA.

Irish. THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE ....... YOUR CALL!


Attachment 12328

And another...


Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world.

Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains’ quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left

Starboard Right

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Cpt Kangaroo

I have a couple of jokes to share and I know a bunch of you have more. Share!

To start us off...

This is the actual transcript of a radio conversation between a British Navy ship and the Irish Coastguard, off the coast of Kerry:

Irish. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid collision

British. Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north, to avoid collision

Irish. Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south ' to avoid collision.

British. This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Irish. Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course

British. THIS IS THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY 3 DESTROYERS, 3 CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT SHIPS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS FLOTILLA.

Irish. THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE ....... YOUR CALL!


Attachment 6479

---

If I hear this one a thousand times, It will still crack me up.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gunner

If I hear this one a thousand times, It will still crack me up.

---

I think I HAVE seen this one a thousand times, with every conceivable mix of nations and ship types involved. Here it is on youtube (the USN having cleverly disguised the "USS Montana" as a T42 destroyer):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNX4xqlXJE

Of course the navigator in the office (usual killjoy) points out that the "lighthouse" will have no course and speed (as its a lighthouse 'd'oh) and so its nature would be apparent from the outset. But then again navigators are not noted for their sense of humour :)

Currently doing the rounds in a modified form featuring Argentinean or Spanish air traffic control having a go at "unauthorised" air traffic in Falklands airspace and threatening to send up Mirages to intercept, only to hear "We are two RAF Typhoons, send 'em up, we'll wait"

How to Simulate Life in the Navy (Scarily Accurate)

How to Simulate Being in the Navy
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
(1a. Ex-Submariners - paint it Black outside Pea Green inside)
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbour's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house
- dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.
14. Have your neighbour come over each day at 0500 , blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and lash up.& stow"
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500....... In triplicate.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all **** cans and butt kits!"
18. Have your neighbour collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different
one-- the same one every night.(preferably SHANE!!
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting "Now Action Stations, Action Stations! All hands man your battle stations!
21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (mid rats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks.
Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire..
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.
28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. "Now PIPE DOWN! Out Lights ! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house.
(For aircraft carrier sailors.)
29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals.
(Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.)
31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.
32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.
33. Make TEA using eighteen scoops of budget priced TEA per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.
36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.
37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
39. FOR Ex-Submariners....Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been cancelled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

What a great way to start the day; a chuckle, smile or laughing out loud. Thanks for posting. :happy:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by David Manley

How to Simulate Life in the Navy (Scarily Accurate)

---

Brilliant.

Very funny David, though now all the exe's in the group are having flashbacks. :happy:

OK, thought for the day....

If it's zero degrees outside on watch, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

A MASH unit in South Vietnam is going about its business one day, when it receives word: A NV tank column is heading down the valley directly towards them. There's no time to bug out -- the tanks are already coming into view at the top of the valley. The commander of the MASH jumps on the horn: "To any friendly units: MASH unit under attack by hostile armor at location" and he gives his coordinates.

A pause, then a voice: "MASH unit, we can provide support. Can you provide specifics as to the location of the enemy?"

The MASH commander does so, and receives a reply: "Fire support on the way."

There follows a minute of... nothing. Dead silence, save for the wind and the distant rattle of tracks. Needless to say, the MASH commander is nervous, and gets on the radio: "This is MASH -- where's that fire support?"

A pause, then the unidentified voice: "Calm down will ya? We're twelve miles offshore."

At that moment, there is a thunderous roar overhead -- and the top of the valley where the NV tanks are assembling vanishes in a cloud of smoke, flame, and displaced earth. When the cloud settles a couple minutes later, the NV tanks -- not to mention most of the valley's terrain features -- have vanished.

The MASH commander stands there, stupefied, then remembers the radio, and says "MASH unit to unidentified friendly -- enemy destroyed. Many thanks."

And the voice responds: "You're welcome. USS _New Jersey_ out."

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/3311467776/hF654A33F/

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Cpt Kangaroo

OK, thought for the day....

If it's zero degrees outside on watch, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

---

16F...:question::happy:

This just happened today:

While doing some research during my lunch hour at work, I came across a site with lots of pictures of a British Frigate model kit. Naturally I copied the link and e-mailed it to my personal computer for future reference.

While my wife and I were relaxing at home, she decided to check and catch up on e-mail. She lets out a yelp and looks at me... "what the heck is this, she says..."

She shows me the e-mail I had sent with the title 'Cleopatra Model link'
:smack:

Humour of the Sea

Attachment 6494

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Cpt Kangaroo

This just happened today:

---

Wifey always finds it funny when us NAs start talking work and the discussion turns to about buttock lines, breast hooks, breast shores, shafting and screw dislocations :happy:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by David Manley

Humour of the Sea

Attachment 6494

---

That ship was a joke, but it wasn't all that funny.... :P

Are we rating each other's contributions now?

David, what is the name of this ship, the HMS Rotund? :happy:

New thought for the day...Tell a sailor that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you, tell him a deck has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Cpt Kangaroo

David, what is the name of this ship, the HMS Rotund? :happy:

---

There were two of these, the Admiral Popov class coastal defence monitors. A sound concept but alas round ships do not make directionally stable ships, and with 5 prop shafts across the "stern" they proved almost impossible to control, often spinning like tops whenever the spread of power across the shafts wasn't balanced (which was most of the time!)

That said I did use them as the basis for a couple of the Russian classes when I was making masters for Wessex Games' "Aeronef" miniatures range :)

David, thanks for explaining. I had no idea what this was.

From wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_monitor_Novgorod

The Novgorod (Russian: Новгород) was an Imperial Russian warship. It was one of the most unusual warships ever constructed, and still survives in popular naval myth, often described as the "ugliest warship ever built". Together with her near-sister ship Rear Admiral Popov, they were affectionately called "popovkas", after their chief designer. The hull was circular (viewed from the top) intended to be a particularly stable platform for guns but proving to be almost unmaneuverable in practice.

She was designed by Andrei Alexandrovich Popov of the Imperial Russian Navy, with the purpose of creating a stable platform armed with a few heavy guns, that could operate in coastal waters, and be well protected by armour plating.

The perceived advantage of the circular hull form was that a shallow-draught vessel could be built with a greater displacement; a small ship could then carry the same armament as a much larger vessel with a more typical hull form. For comparison, a 100-foot-long (30 m) by 13-foot-beam (4.0 m) and 13-foot-draught vessel would only displace about 2,500 tons.

The primary armament of Novgorod was two 26-ton 11-inch guns mounted on separate revolving turntables that could be moved independently or together. Recoil was suppressed by a hydraulic frictional compressor, and by wedges placed in the after part of their platforms.

The ship was driven by six engines each with their own propeller shaft. Boiler and engine rooms occupied fully half of the interior hull space. The boilers were placed in two separate compartments, one on either beam. Four steam launches were usually carried on deck.

Novgorod and her near-sister Rear Admiral Popov proved poorly designed in use. They pitched and rolled excessively, even in moderate seas. They were slow, poorly maneuverable, and vulnerable to plunging fire. Worst though, was that the off-axis recoil of the guns would impart a centrifugal rotation to the ship. In operational use, these ships would have to throw their single rudder hard over during firing, to act as "water brakes". This severely restricted the aiming and rate-of-fire of the main guns. Both ships (dubbed 'popoffkas' after their designer) served in the Danube Flotilla during the Russo-Turkish War. Both were redesignated as "Coastal Defense Armor-Clad Ships" in 1892, and relegated as storeships in 1903. They were not scrapped until 1912.

Imagine, after waiting your whole life for the opportunity to command, if you were given this beauty!

I would be asking for a refund. :erk: :happy:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Cpt Kangaroo

Imagine, after waiting your whole life for the opportunity to command, if you were given this beauty!

I would be asking for a refund. :erk: :happy:

---

This was the plot of the film _Down Periscope_, actually....

That's a great movie! Very funny!

Attachment 12329

A fun film that actually has a few interesting insights into submarine warfare. I was surprisingly entertained by this one.

I am adding the URL to COWMAN's thread, there were some doozies told there too.
http://sailsofglory.org/showthread.p...Jokes-to-start

There was mention of the Penguin series that has gone on and on, At WoG.

I am sure we could give that a run for its money, maybe with 'Parrot' jokes.



A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always give away the tricks saying things like, "he has a card up his sleeve" or "he has a dove in his pocket."
One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

Did someone mention parrots?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjOSLCR2hE

That and the Albatros skit are absolute classics.

OK, so how about another old one....

Dead Parrot Joke
A sailer brought a very limp parrot to a vet. As he lay his pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, but polly has passed away."

The distressed owner pleaded, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something!"

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room. He returned a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out.

A few moments later the vet returned with a cat. The cat jumped up on the examining table and sniffed delicately at the parrot. Then the cat sat back, shook its head sadly, meowed, and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the sailer and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ... dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to him.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250!" He yelled. "$250 just to tell me my bird is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20. BUT -- what with the Lab Report and the cat Scan -- it comes to $250."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by David Manley

A fun film that actually has a few interesting insights into submarine warfare.

---

Like "Why Beans Should Not Be Served Aboard A Submarine".... >:)

Erin, that is so bad I will be telling everyone it this weekend.

Uhhhh, USS Retro?

Attachment 12330

That is what they will do when they run out of uranium for the reactor. :)

I had heard landing on an aircraft carrier was difficult but that is ridiculous.

New thought for the day..... Why is it when you transport something by car its called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Cpt Kangaroo

Uhhhh, USS Retro?

Attachment 6555

---

It's the current administration's move to green energy.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Cpt Kangaroo

New thought for the day..... Why is it when you transport something by car its called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

---

Same reason you drive on a parkway, and park on a driveway.

Or why it's called a "fast" when it goes so damned slow.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by David Manley

33. Make TEA using eighteen scoops of budget priced TEA per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

---

So, now I know that most restaurants must hire former Squids to make their tea. BLechh!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by David Manley

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

---

This one works for the Army as well with some pros and cons. Pro - You only have to deal with it in a training environment like a military school or boot camp. Con - It happens EVERY hour and instead of "Sorry, wrong rack." you get, "Fire Guard, sorry."

I'm remembering one, dimly, about a captain who always insisted his first mate bring him a red shirt before every battle. One night after several battles, the first mate asks him about why he's adopted the practice.

His answer is simple and practical: "The idea is that if I am wounded, you men will not see it and will continue to fight on unafraid."

The next morning they find themselves surrounded by Barbary Pirate xebecs... the order of the day?

...

...

...

"BRING ME MY BROWN TROUSERS!"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Diamondback

I'm remembering one, dimly, about a captain who always insisted his first mate bring him a red shirt before every battle.

---

That's an oldie but a goodie!

I think Dave Allen's version is the classic! :clap:

Wish I could find the link again.

Got it!
http://sailsofglory.org/showthread.p...e-but-a-goodie

Another thought for the day...

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?