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The new ensign was standing his first night watch on the bridge of a destroyer. Far out on the horizon, the USS New Jersey was conducting a night gunnery exercise.
The ensign, seeing the flashes of light from the battleship, ran excitedly up to the signal bridge and pointed out the "Morse code" coming from the other ship.
Ensign: "What are they saying? What are they saying?"
Signalman: "Boom. Boom."
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On the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."
The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing: "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawines."
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Wow! I just looked at the stats for this thread.
Started it 08-26-2013 during a slow period. It was just an idea to keep us busy with something fun.
We are now over two hundred thousand views and about six years later!
You lot are awesome! I for one have greatly enjoyed all the jokes shared.
Thank you all for sharing!
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I have to admit that the jokes are running a bit thin on the ground now Erin, and finding new ones is starting to be more time consuming than I have got to spare as is the case with drinks and the pub signs. I also note that good as our memories are, a few of the pictures are re appearing so I may close the threads shortly. Only Dave and I are regular contributors now so the idea of getting the comunity involved in a bit of fun and banter, such as we have on the Drome, has fallen a bit flat.
Rob.
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A good one, Rob.
Submitted By Unknown
My father served in the Seabees, which meant he was more likely to handle a cement mixer than a rifle. I tried to explain this to my six year-old-son.
"Grandpa didn't fight in any battles," I said. "He wasn't that kind of soldier."
"Oh!" said my son. "He was in the Salvation Army."
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So was this one of yours Dave.
Rob.
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A comment about submarines.
"Even if a submarine should work by a miracle, it will never be used. No country in this world would ever use such a vicious and petty form of warfare!"
William Henderson, British admiral(1914)
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Submitted By Unknown
As he flew to Atlanta on a commercial airline, the admiral I worked for struck up a conversation with his elderly seatmate. She asked how he liked the Navy.
"I love it," he answered. "It's the best thing I've ever done."
"How nice," she said. "So do you think you'll make it a career?"
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While working as a Navy nurse in a military hospital's emergency room, all are required to introduce themselfs by their rank and full name. One usually refer to himself as Ensign Mike Payne, but one busy day, he rushed into a patient's room and blurted, "Hi, I'm Ensign Payne."
"Hi," the patient responded. "I'm in some pain too."
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A destroyer pulled into Borneo for liberty. Cut down to a skeleton watch, most of the ship was empty for the night. A few piers down, a ship was loading local cargo for export. Among the crates was an orangutan, who broke out of his cage. The ape traveled the waterfront in the dark, and finally reached the destroyer. He climbed the mooring lines, boarded, and climbed up the smokestack. Inside the stack, the confused animal made it down to the engine room, and started wandering around. He came to an electrical panel, opened for maintenance, ignored the safety ropes, and managed to make contact with an extremely high voltage contact. Bright blue spark and the ship is suddenly dark throughout.
A few minutes later, two hull techs are searching with their flashlights for the problem. They come on the dark burnt hairy body. They shine the flashlight on his long, long arms. They look at each other. They look at his short stubby legs. They look at each other. They look at his face for a long time.
Finally, the third class tells the seaman: "Okay, his legs are too short for a machinist mate, his arms are too long for a boiler tech, and he's too hairy for an electrician. Call the wardroom, see if any of the junior officers are missing."
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A Lesson in Naval Logistics
On 23 August 1779, the USS Constitution set sail from Boston, loaded with 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of water, 74,000 cannon shot, 115,000 pounds of black powder and 79,000 gallons of rum.
Attachment 43895
Her mission: to destroy and harass English Shipping
On 6 October, she made Jamaica, took on 826 pounds of flour and 688,300 gallons of rum. Three weeks later, Constitution reached the Azores, where she provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 300 gallons of Portuguese wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England where her crew captured and scuttled 12 English merchant vessels and took aboard rum.
By this time, Constitution had run out of shot. Nevertheless, she made her way unarmed up the Firth of Clyde for a night raid. Here, her landing party captured a whiskey distillery, transferred 13,000 gallons aboard and headed for home.
On 20 February 1780, the Constitution arrived in Boston with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, and no whiskey.
She did, however, still carry her crew of 475 officers and men and 18,600 gallons of water. The math is quite enlightening:
Length of cruise: 181 days
Booze consumption: 1.26 gallons per man per day
(this DOES NOT include the unknown quantity of rum captured from the 12 English merchant vessels in November).
Naval historians note that the reenlistment rate from this cruise was 92%.
LOGISTICS LESSON LEARNED:
Don't load up with too much water.
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Flying near Athens
As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a sailor asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the sailor, "but this soldier in front of me said it was Greece."
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From an Unknown Sailor.
A hospital corpsman and I were getting an elderly retired master chief petty officer out of his wheelchair, when I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee.
"What's that?" I asked, unable to make out the design.
"It's a banjo," he said sheepishly. "I'm from Alabama."
[Think of the words of the song 'Oh, Suzannah'.]
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The crew of a fast frigate was practicing the man overboard drill by "rescuing" a bright orange fluorescent dummy dubbed Mortimer. The captain watched as a young lieutenant nervously stopped the ship, turned it and maneuvered into place. Unfortunately, he ran right over Mortimer. Surveying the remains of Mortimer scattered around the ship, the captain told the lieutenant,
"Son, do me a favor. If I ever fall overboard, just drop anchor and I'll swim to you."
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The Fighting Sailor
In the 60's there was a Navy sailor who had for weeks been assisting in the landing of infantry in Vietnam. The sailor was fed-up with the work on the ship. He craved action, so he attached himself to one of the combat units and soon arrived at Hill 248.
There was hot action and the sailor distinguished himself so that he was decorated for outstanding bravery. But his absence was discovered back at the port. They determined where he was and wired that he be returned immediately.
The reply from the sailor's commanding officer read like this: "Your seaman is fighting on Hill 2' 48. He's doing a helluva job, been cited for bravery and decorated. You come and get him because we're afraid to go up after him!"
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That might actually happen one day, Rob.
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
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HIGHBROW REPORT
After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: "Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition."
The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.
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In answer to that one Dave.
Attachment 43983
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No Reverse On Expensive Fighter
At the Naval Air Station a young ground-crew member was being trained on how to direct an F-14 into the fuel pit for hot refueling. The instructor gave him a go and after quite some wild arm weaving the F-14 was parking, but when checking they discovered that he had taxied the aircraft too far forward from the fuel hose to reach the airplane.
"You'll have to send him around again," said the instructor.
"What?" he said, surprised. "They spend millions on these things and you can't even put them in reverse?"
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New submarine Ensign
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.
He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
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Terrorists in Turkey decided to take some Americans as hostages. They run across two Sailors and a Marine on Shore Leave. In the course of tieing them up one of the terrorist's mask slips off. He asks one of the Sailors, "Did you see my face?"
The Sailor answers yes, and the terrorist shoots him. Then the terrorist turns to the second Sailor. "Did you see my face?"
"No, but the MARINE did..."
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A Marine on shore leave is walking down the street and sees a Sailor jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86".
The Marine asks the Sailor, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?"
The Sailor says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out."
The Marine thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay."
The Sailor lifts the manhole cover, the Marine steps into the manhole, and the Sailor puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...
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Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."
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Attachment 44061
Somebody failed to do a proper risk assessment here. The cat has not been issued with a life jacket!
Rob.