Albatros jokes.

[Bligh]

This is the equivalent of the Flying Penguins thread but something completely different.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PJix23IeF8

Rob.

[The Cowman]

"What flavor is it????" LMAO!

[Mister Rich]

A crusty old sailor is sitting on a dock staring out to sea! A young boy walks up to him and asks if he is real pirate? Why do you ask young nipper is the reply! Well sir the boy responds, your wearing eye patch, a metal hook for your right hand and a peg leg on your left side! The old sailor sighs. Me lad i dreamed of being a pirate since i was your age. I read about pirates and saw every pirate movie ever made. Then i found out that the pirates were all gone from the high seas except the oil companies! I decided that the only way to be a pirate was to become an actor. I moved to New York and studied for ten years, that is when i was cast in my first pirate movie. Wow the boy said. Yes we filmed it Jamaica. Did you get a speaking part the boy asked? I had one line the man said, it was a blood curtailing scream. Now that is acting the boy said. No the man replied, that was pain i had my leg crushed between the prop ships. No the boy said! That is why i have this peg leg.
I was never on camera but that scream is still used in the movies. Then what happened the boy asked. After that i was type cast as a pirate, i was in five movies in three years i even had speaking parts in the last two. Wow the boy said, then what? I was cast third billing in another pirate film until the cannon accident. No the boy said, what happened? We were given a class on how a real ships guns fire. They taught us how to load and run out the guns. I slipped and a lost my right hand under a gun wheel, they shot the movie without me. Then what did you do the boy asked. I was cast in another pirate movie three days after i was released from the hospital.
That was good the boy said. Not really the man said. We went to Bahamas for filming! The first day on the set a folk sea gulls flew over. They bombarded the cast and crew, one got me in my right eye and i forgot about the new hook!. After that i was done in the movies, they could not afford the insurance to hire me.

[Berthier]

You know that now you have opened the door on Monty Python we'll be having cheese shop jokes, "he''s not the messiah, he's just a naughty boy", "it's only a flesh wound" etc etc jokes for the next three months.

ni!

[Bluedevil]

I thought this was a good one...the marines amongst you may disagree...:p

A platoon of Marines is marching down a dirt road. They just came to a
curve around a hill, when a Sailor at the top of the hill pops his head up
and yelled "Marines SUCK!" "Platoon!" "Halt!" "Jones!" "Carter!" "Go take
care of that Sailor!" said the Marine Sergeant.Jones and Carter run up
over the top of the hill. Bam! Biff! Sock! Oh Damn! Then Jones and
Carter were tossed down the hill. The Sailor at the top of the hill pops
his head up again and yells"Marines SUCK!"
"First File!" "Go take care of that Sailor!" said the Marine Sergeant.
Now we have ten Marines running up over the top of the hill. Bam! Biff!
Sock! Oh Oh! One by one they were tossed back down the hill. The Sailor
at the top of the hill pops his head up again and yells "Marines SUCK!"
"Platoon!" "Go take care of that Sailor!" said the Marine Sergeant.
Forty-five Marines go running up over the top of the hill. Bam!Biff!
Sock! Oh No! One by one they were tossed back down the hill. Now the
side of the hill is covered with Marines that are not totally active.The
Sailorat the top of the hill pops his head up again and yells "Marines SUCK!"
"It's looks as I'm going to have to take care of that Sailor myself"
said the Marine Sergeant to himself. He starts walking up the hill and
about this time, Jones was coming to. Jones said to the Marine Sergeant
in a weak voice "Sarge, don't go up there! It's an ambush. There's two of
them.

:D:D

[Mister Rich]

Be patient there is a albatross in this bit!


RICH



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roetGhcKLd0&feature=related

[Bligh]

Be patient there is a albatross in this bit!


RICH



So there is Rich.
Rob.

[Mister Rich]

Rob!

I have never encountered the Horrible Histories before!

Rich

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MByE02fB_lo

[Capt P]

Monty Python. Wow them and Benny Hill. So funny.

[Capt P]

So I see a few Monty Python fans. Holy Grail and life of Brian great movies.

[David Manley]

Here‘s how to recapture the atmosphere of the old days and simulate living onboard ship.

Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a smelly sleeping bag. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that’s too small.

Wash your underwear every night in a bucket then hang it over the water pipes to dry.

Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife whip open the curtains, shine a torch in your eyes, and say “sorry mate, wrong pit”.

Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the centre of the bath and move the showerhead down to chest level. Store beer barrels in the shower enclosure.

When you have a shower, remember to turn off the water whilst you soap.

Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair, and rock as hard as you can until you are sick.

Put oil instead of water into a humidifier and set to HIGH.

Don’t watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. For added realism, have your family vote for which movie they want to see – then select a different one.

(Mandatory for engineering types) – Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day to re-create the proper noise levels.

Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney. Ensure that the wind carries the soot over your neighbour’s house. When he complains, laugh at him.

Buy a rubbish compactor but only use it once a week. Store up your rubbish in the other side of the bath.

Wake up every night at midnight and make a sandwich out of anything you can find, preferably using stale bread. Optional: cold soup or canned Ravioli, eaten out of the tin.

Devise your family menus a week in advance without looking in the fridge or larder.

Set your alarm to go off at random times throughout the night. When it goes off, leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can and then run into the garden and break out the garden hose.

Once a month, take every major household appliance completely apart then re-assemble.

Use 4 spoons of coffee per cup, and allow it to sit for 3 hours before drinking.

Invite about 85 people who you don’t really like to come to stay for a couple of months.

Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table and then lie under it to read books.

Raise the thresholds and lower the tops of all your doors in the house. Now you will always hit your head or skin you shins when passing through.

Put lock wire on the wheel nuts of your car.

Whilst baking cakes prop one side of the cake tin while it is baking. When it has cooled, spread icing really thickly on one side to level it out again.

Every so often throw your cat in the swimming pool, or bath and shout “man overboard”, then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes onto the floor while yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea properly.

Put on the headphones from your stereo. Do not plug them in. go and stand in front of your dishwasher. Say to nobody in particular, “dishwasher manned and ready, sir”. Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say, once again to nobody in particular, “dishwasher secured”. Remove the headphones, roll up the cord and put them away.

Nickname your favourite shoe “steamies” and get you children to hide them around the house on a random basis

[Mister Rich]

David!

You missed the bad food, bad water and the floggings! Best simulated by someone throwing a pissed off cat on your bare back!

Rich

[Blackrose]

David!

You missed the bad food, bad water and the floggings! Best simulated by someone throwing a pissed off cat on your bare back!

Rich

Hmm... reminds me of an old D&D joke (roleplaying game): tye 12 cats to your body, and take a cold shower. Thus will simulate the damage done by the average dungeon monster in 1 combat round, and show why this will be only a game.
Karl

[Capt P]

Shared some of the links with guys at work. The laughing could be heard down the hall. Thanks for the happy time.