Humor of the Sea

[Cpt Kangaroo]

I have a couple of jokes to share and I know a bunch of you have more. Share!

To start us off...

This is the actual transcript of a radio conversation between a British Navy ship and the Irish Coastguard, off the coast of Kerry:

Irish. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid collision

British. Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north, to avoid collision

Irish. Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south ' to avoid collision.

British. This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Irish. Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course

British. THIS IS THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY 3 DESTROYERS, 3 CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT SHIPS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS FLOTILLA.

Irish. THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE ....... YOUR CALL!


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[Cpt Kangaroo]

And another...


Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world.

Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains’ quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left

Starboard Right

[Gunner]

I have a couple of jokes to share and I know a bunch of you have more. Share!

To start us off...

This is the actual transcript of a radio conversation between a British Navy ship and the Irish Coastguard, off the coast of Kerry:

Irish. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid collision

British. Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north, to avoid collision

Irish. Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south ' to avoid collision.

British. This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Irish. Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course

British. THIS IS THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY 3 DESTROYERS, 3 CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT SHIPS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS FLOTILLA.

Irish. THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE ....... YOUR CALL!


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If I hear this one a thousand times, It will still crack me up.

[David Manley]

If I hear this one a thousand times, It will still crack me up.

I think I HAVE seen this one a thousand times, with every conceivable mix of nations and ship types involved. Here it is on youtube (the USN having cleverly disguised the "USS Montana" as a T42 destroyer):


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNX4xqlXJE

Of course the navigator in the office (usual killjoy) points out that the "lighthouse" will have no course and speed (as its a lighthouse 'd'oh) and so its nature would be apparent from the outset. But then again navigators are not noted for their sense of humour :)

Currently doing the rounds in a modified form featuring Argentinean or Spanish air traffic control having a go at "unauthorised" air traffic in Falklands airspace and threatening to send up Mirages to intercept, only to hear "We are two RAF Typhoons, send 'em up, we'll wait"

[David Manley]

How to Simulate Life in the Navy (Scarily Accurate)

How to Simulate Being in the Navy
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
(1a. Ex-Submariners - paint it Black outside Pea Green inside)
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbour's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house
- dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.
14. Have your neighbour come over each day at 0500 , blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and lash up.& stow"
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500....... In triplicate.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all **** cans and butt kits!"
18. Have your neighbour collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different
one-- the same one every night.(preferably SHANE!!
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting "Now Action Stations, Action Stations! All hands man your battle stations!
21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (mid rats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks.
Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire..
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.
28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. "Now PIPE DOWN! Out Lights ! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house.
(For aircraft carrier sailors.)
29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals.
(Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.)
31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.
32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.
33. Make TEA using eighteen scoops of budget priced TEA per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.
36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.
37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
39. FOR Ex-Submariners....Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been cancelled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

[Nightmoss]

What a great way to start the day; a chuckle, smile or laughing out loud. Thanks for posting. :happy:

[7eat51]

How to Simulate Life in the Navy (Scarily Accurate)


Brilliant.

[Cpt Kangaroo]

Very funny David, though now all the exe's in the group are having flashbacks. :happy:

[Cpt Kangaroo]

OK, thought for the day....

If it's zero degrees outside on watch, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

[csadn]

A MASH unit in South Vietnam is going about its business one day, when it receives word: A NV tank column is heading down the valley directly towards them. There's no time to bug out -- the tanks are already coming into view at the top of the valley. The commander of the MASH jumps on the horn: "To any friendly units: MASH unit under attack by hostile armor at location" and he gives his coordinates.

A pause, then a voice: "MASH unit, we can provide support. Can you provide specifics as to the location of the enemy?"

The MASH commander does so, and receives a reply: "Fire support on the way."

There follows a minute of... nothing. Dead silence, save for the wind and the distant rattle of tracks. Needless to say, the MASH commander is nervous, and gets on the radio: "This is MASH -- where's that fire support?"

A pause, then the unidentified voice: "Calm down will ya? We're twelve miles offshore."

At that moment, there is a thunderous roar overhead -- and the top of the valley where the NV tanks are assembling vanishes in a cloud of smoke, flame, and displaced earth. When the cloud settles a couple minutes later, the NV tanks -- not to mention most of the valley's terrain features -- have vanished.

The MASH commander stands there, stupefied, then remembers the radio, and says "MASH unit to unidentified friendly -- enemy destroyed. Many thanks."

And the voice responds: "You're welcome. USS _New Jersey_ out."

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/3311467776/hF654A33F/

[Berthier]

OK, thought for the day....

If it's zero degrees outside on watch, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

16F...:question::happy:

[Cpt Kangaroo]

This just happened today:

While doing some research during my lunch hour at work, I came across a site with lots of pictures of a British Frigate model kit. Naturally I copied the link and e-mailed it to my personal computer for future reference.

While my wife and I were relaxing at home, she decided to check and catch up on e-mail. She lets out a yelp and looks at me... "what the heck is this, she says..."

She shows me the e-mail I had sent with the title 'Cleopatra Model link'
:smack:

[David Manley]

Humour of the Sea

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[David Manley]

This just happened today:

Wifey always finds it funny when us NAs start talking work and the discussion turns to about buttock lines, breast hooks, breast shores, shafting and screw dislocations :happy:

[csadn]

Humour of the Sea

6494

That ship was a joke, but it wasn't all that funny.... :P

[David Manley]

Are we rating each other's contributions now?

[Cpt Kangaroo]

David, what is the name of this ship, the HMS Rotund? :happy:

[Cpt Kangaroo]

New thought for the day...Tell a sailor that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you, tell him a deck has wet paint and he has to touch it.

[David Manley]

David, what is the name of this ship, the HMS Rotund? :happy:

There were two of these, the Admiral Popov class coastal defence monitors. A sound concept but alas round ships do not make directionally stable ships, and with 5 prop shafts across the "stern" they proved almost impossible to control, often spinning like tops whenever the spread of power across the shafts wasn't balanced (which was most of the time!)

That said I did use them as the basis for a couple of the Russian classes when I was making masters for Wessex Games' "Aeronef" miniatures range :)

[7eat51]

David, thanks for explaining. I had no idea what this was.

From wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_monitor_Novgorod

The Novgorod (Russian: Новгород) was an Imperial Russian warship. It was one of the most unusual warships ever constructed, and still survives in popular naval myth, often described as the "ugliest warship ever built". Together with her near-sister ship Rear Admiral Popov, they were affectionately called "popovkas", after their chief designer. The hull was circular (viewed from the top) intended to be a particularly stable platform for guns but proving to be almost unmaneuverable in practice.

She was designed by Andrei Alexandrovich Popov of the Imperial Russian Navy, with the purpose of creating a stable platform armed with a few heavy guns, that could operate in coastal waters, and be well protected by armour plating.

The perceived advantage of the circular hull form was that a shallow-draught vessel could be built with a greater displacement; a small ship could then carry the same armament as a much larger vessel with a more typical hull form. For comparison, a 100-foot-long (30 m) by 13-foot-beam (4.0 m) and 13-foot-draught vessel would only displace about 2,500 tons.

The primary armament of Novgorod was two 26-ton 11-inch guns mounted on separate revolving turntables that could be moved independently or together. Recoil was suppressed by a hydraulic frictional compressor, and by wedges placed in the after part of their platforms.

The ship was driven by six engines each with their own propeller shaft. Boiler and engine rooms occupied fully half of the interior hull space. The boilers were placed in two separate compartments, one on either beam. Four steam launches were usually carried on deck.

Novgorod and her near-sister Rear Admiral Popov proved poorly designed in use. They pitched and rolled excessively, even in moderate seas. They were slow, poorly maneuverable, and vulnerable to plunging fire. Worst though, was that the off-axis recoil of the guns would impart a centrifugal rotation to the ship. In operational use, these ships would have to throw their single rudder hard over during firing, to act as "water brakes". This severely restricted the aiming and rate-of-fire of the main guns. Both ships (dubbed 'popoffkas' after their designer) served in the Danube Flotilla during the Russo-Turkish War. Both were redesignated as "Coastal Defense Armor-Clad Ships" in 1892, and relegated as storeships in 1903. They were not scrapped until 1912.

[Cpt Kangaroo]

Imagine, after waiting your whole life for the opportunity to command, if you were given this beauty!

I would be asking for a refund. :erk: :happy:

[csadn]

Imagine, after waiting your whole life for the opportunity to command, if you were given this beauty!

I would be asking for a refund. :erk: :happy:

This was the plot of the film _Down Periscope_, actually....

[Cpt Kangaroo]

That's a great movie! Very funny!

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[David Manley]

A fun film that actually has a few interesting insights into submarine warfare. I was surprisingly entertained by this one.

[Cpt Kangaroo]

I am adding the URL to COWMAN's thread, there were some doozies told there too.
http://sailsofglory.org/showthread.php?34-Time-for-the-Wet-Jokes-to-start

There was mention of the Penguin series that has gone on and on, At WoG.

I am sure we could give that a run for its money, maybe with 'Parrot' jokes.



A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always give away the tricks saying things like, "he has a card up his sleeve" or "he has a dove in his pocket."
One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

[David Manley]

Did someone mention parrots?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjOSLCR2hE

[Cpt Kangaroo]

That and the Albatros skit are absolute classics.

[Cpt Kangaroo]

OK, so how about another old one....

Dead Parrot Joke
A sailer brought a very limp parrot to a vet. As he lay his pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, but polly has passed away."

The distressed owner pleaded, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something!"

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room. He returned a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out.

A few moments later the vet returned with a cat. The cat jumped up on the examining table and sniffed delicately at the parrot. Then the cat sat back, shook its head sadly, meowed, and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the sailer and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ... dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to him.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250!" He yelled. "$250 just to tell me my bird is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20. BUT -- what with the Lab Report and the cat Scan -- it comes to $250."

[csadn]

A fun film that actually has a few interesting insights into submarine warfare.

Like "Why Beans Should Not Be Served Aboard A Submarine".... >:)

[7eat51]

Erin, that is so bad I will be telling everyone it this weekend.

[Cpt Kangaroo]

Uhhhh, USS Retro?

12330

[Naharaht]

That is what they will do when they run out of uranium for the reactor. :)

[Cmmdre]

I had heard landing on an aircraft carrier was difficult but that is ridiculous.

[Cpt Kangaroo]

New thought for the day..... Why is it when you transport something by car its called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

[Coog]

Uhhhh, USS Retro?

6555

It's the current administration's move to green energy.

[csadn]

New thought for the day..... Why is it when you transport something by car its called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Same reason you drive on a parkway, and park on a driveway.

Or why it's called a "fast" when it goes so damned slow.

[OmegaLazarus]

33. Make TEA using eighteen scoops of budget priced TEA per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
So, now I know that most restaurants must hire former Squids to make their tea. BLechh!



12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

This one works for the Army as well with some pros and cons. Pro - You only have to deal with it in a training environment like a military school or boot camp. Con - It happens EVERY hour and instead of "Sorry, wrong rack." you get, "Fire Guard, sorry."

[Diamondback]

I'm remembering one, dimly, about a captain who always insisted his first mate bring him a red shirt before every battle. One night after several battles, the first mate asks him about why he's adopted the practice.

His answer is simple and practical: "The idea is that if I am wounded, you men will not see it and will continue to fight on unafraid."

The next morning they find themselves surrounded by Barbary Pirate xebecs... the order of the day?

...

...

...

"BRING ME MY BROWN TROUSERS!"

[Cpt Kangaroo]

I'm remembering one, dimly, about a captain who always insisted his first mate bring him a red shirt before every battle.

That's an oldie but a goodie!

I think Dave Allen's version is the classic! :clap:

Wish I could find the link again.

Got it!
http://sailsofglory.org/showthread.php?1326-An-oldie-but-a-goodie

[Cpt Kangaroo]

Another thought for the day...

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

[csadn]

There was a preacher who loved fishing almost as much as his "day job" -- his one weakness. Due to a jam-packed schedule, there came a period where he was unable to get in any fishing for several weeks in a row, and it was starting to bother him -- especially as the weather had been wonderful for fishing, but he couldn't get free to take advantage. Then he noticed a hole existed in his schedule -- but it was early-morning on Sunday, when he was supposed to be getting ready for the Meeting.

"Hmm," he thought, "prep-work doesn't take *that* long, especially if I recycle a previous sermon; then I can slip in a bit of fishing early, and be back in time for services. And given what my schedule's been like lately, He won't mind *too* much, will He?"

He made the necessary arrangements, and before dawn slipped out of the house and down to the marina, untied his boat, and sailed out to the ocean. Then he waited.

And waited. And waited. Nothing -- not a fish to be found.

He decides "Well, at least I got out -- now to head back." No sooner did that thought pass his mind than -- *WHAM*! Something slammed into his boat from below, tossing him over the side, and putting a hole in the hull which caused the boat to sink in moments.

Frantically, the preacher looked around, wondering what had happened. He saw soon enough -- the distinct triangular dorsal fin of one monster-sized shark. The fin cruised along a bit, then turned and headed directly for him at high speed.

Not knowing what else to do, and seeing that nose getting bigger and bigger -- and toothier and toothier -- the preacher clasped his hands, looked to the skies, and said: "Lord, I trust in this chastisement You have visited on me for violating the Sabbath. I understand, and I pray to You now, not that you save me, but that you teach that fish the virtues of being a Christian."

No sooner had he spoken those words than something impossible occurred -- the shark slowed, then stopped a few feet away, those flat, lifeless doll's-eyes seeming to bore into his soul. Then it raised its front half out of the water, folded its fins together before it, and said in a gargling, guttural voice:

"We thank Thee, Lord, for this bounty which You have provided for us today...."

>:)

[Cmmdre]

There was a preacher who loved fishing almost as much as his "day job" --

"We thank Thee, Lord, for this bounty which You have provided for us today...."

>:)

Amen! :pray:

[Cmmdre]

Hokey-Pokey Anonymous.
We'll help you turn it around.

[Cpt Kangaroo]

Thought for the day....

Why is it when a hatch is slightly open it's ajar, but when a jar is slightly open it's not a-hatch?

[OmegaLazarus]

These remind me of an interview my great grandfather did with an old salty sea Captain. The Captain had suffered many injuries in the line of duty. When my great grandfather met with him, he saw the abuse that the old man had taken and, out of curiosity, he asked about each thing he saw.

Sir, I see you have a beautiful scrimshaw peg on your left knee. "Yes, That is there to be sure that I can still walk on me own. It was that or a crutch, y' know."

Sir, What about that gleaming metal hook on your right hand. "I have that so I can still do a few things like climb the rigging. It also comes in handy for eating steak."

Sir, That is a nice jewel encrusted eye patch you have on eye. Why not a glass eye? "The patch makes me more intimidating, of course."

That all makes a lot of sense, but one thing Sir. Sir, why on earth do you have a 'ship's wheel' sticking out of your trouser front. "It's driving me nuts."

[Cpt Kangaroo]

Perhaps nostalgia for some...

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[Cpt Kangaroo]

Our tax dollars at work! Very funny! I wonder if they were crossing the equator and having the celebrations.

7091

[Gaz67]

I got this of facebook today from one of my sisters friends, a warning to us all...

Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it. I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod.
This is what happens when older people start using technology.

[Gaz67]

I got this of facebook today from one of my sisters friends, a warning to us all...

Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it. I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod.
This is what happens when older people start using technology.

[csadn]

I got this of facebook today from one of my sisters friends, a warning to us all...

Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it. I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod.
This is what happens when older people start using technology.

Not to mention: A sad comment on what passes for "Music" these days....

http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/five-people-wrote-baby-by-justin-bieber.jpg

>:)

[Cpt Kangaroo]

I swear this occurred just this way.....

My wife and I were cruising the waterway one Sunday and at this particular time we were in deep discussion about our not attending church recently.

We were basically saying how it was not really possible with us being on the water.

Not 5 minutes later, my wife tell me we are in big trouble if we don't get out of the channel, a large Church is trying to pass us!

I just laughed until she shouted, "you need to do it now, I'm serious"...so I looked.

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[Diamondback]

I'll counter that, David, with ONE PERSON, and a DEAF one at that, wrote Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Now THERE's a sad comment on the noise that people call "music" these days... :P

[Gunner]

Right you are. I can remember when I enjoyed listening to music on the radio. But that was many years ago.

[csadn]

Right you are. I can remember when I enjoyed listening to music on the radio. But that was many years ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t63_HRwdAgk

:)

[Gunner]

Can't get enough of Queen. Thanks.

[Capt P]

I heard this one but not sure if it is true.

A USMC F18 is flying patrol off the coast of Iran. He receives a call from an Iranian controller:
unidentified aircraft you are in Iranian air space.
The pilot calls back and ID's himself as a USMC F18 and he is international air space.
Again the Iranian controller tells him he is in their air space and again he states he is not.
The Iranian tells him he is sending two fighters up to intercept him.
The Marine pilot says OK I will wait.

I guess this would be better in the Aerodrome but it is a plane from a carrier.

[Naharaht]

Here is an old one.

Question: How do we know that Christopher Columbus had small ships?

Answer: Because it took eight Pintas to make one galleon.

[Naharaht]

Do I need to explain that here in the U.K. we have two systems for liquid measurement? In addition to litres we also use the Imperial system. We have 'pints' - mainly used for measuring beer nowadays and 'gallons'. One gallon equals eight pints, hence the joke. In Napoleonic times sailors might be issued with a 'pint of grog' (rum).

[7eat51]

Here is an old one.

Question: How do we know that Christopher Columbus had small ships?

Answer: Because it took eight Pintas to make one galleon.

That is horribly great. I love jokes that make my friends groan, and puns do that so well. Thanks, David.

[Пилот]

I hope this one would be O.K...

In the middle of the bridge, over the edge, there is a beautiful and perfectly built blond girl, looking down into the blue sea, ready to jump. Suddenly, a young and handsome sailor in uniform appears.
"Girl, what are you doing in the middle of the bridge?" cried the sailor .
"Oh, I want to kill myself, every men every day just wants to get me laid and nothing more, no one wants to hang out with me and talk!" replied sad blond.
"Do not say that, we are not all the same! I am embarking tonight to a ship to America. If you want to come with me, you can, for free. You can sleep on the other bed in my cabin, and I will secretly bring you the food. Just promise me you'll stay hidden in my cabin - if captain finds you, we are both history.
Blond thought: "There's chance for new beginning!"
Secretly, during the night, they both embarked the ship... Next morning, sailor brought her breakfast to the bed, and went back to work. Then he brought her lunch to the bed, and went back to work, again. At the evening, he brought her dinner and, dead tired from work, fell asleep into his bed. Same happened the next day, and the next, and the next… etc.
Blond, after some time, finally realized she had a crush on him. When he returned to the cabin at the evening, she kissed him and they ended up having passionate sex.... And so they did next two months. During the day, while he worked, she enjoyed in cleaning and tiding their cabin. And every evening narrow ship bed creaked with their passion. Until, one morning, captain, by accident entered their cabin. He saw a beautiful blond and asked her, amazed:
"Girl, what are you doing on my ship!?"
"You know , Captain ... I wanted to kill myself because all men just wanted to get me laid, and none of them wanted to hang out with me and talk.
He saved me, your young sailor, and took me to this boat to America. He risked his job to help me and he's beautiful to me, working hard all day, and bringing me food. We fell in love, and we were making love every night, until our souls and bodies became one. No scum uses my body any more, and no one, as you men are disgustingly saying, is 'f**king' me no more…"
The captain calmly looked over his glasses, and replied:
Well… He is, honey… He is. ’Cause... This is a ferry Split - Brac!"

[Naharaht]

A sailor walks into a bar.

"What can I get you?", asks the barman.

"Oh. Just a glass of salt water.", replies the sailor.

"No problem.", says the barman, "Whatever floats your boat ...."

[Naharaht]

The Admiral was on a tour of inspection of the U.S.S. Higgs. The Captain was showing him around.

"Admiral, may I introduce you to my staff? These are my first lieutenant, 2nd lieutenant, 3rd lieutenant, 4th lieutenant and Lieutenant of Marines. Here we have the sailing master, the ship's surgeon, the quartermaster and the gunner........and this is the Higg's bosun."

[Naharaht]

How do you make a Pirate angry?








Take the P out of him.

[Bligh]

Right you asked for it Dave.


A collision between the Sloop, Red Dawn, and the schooner, Blue Lagoon, left the survivors marooned.

Bligh.

[csadn]

I just finished a book on Operation Market-Garden.

I can't recommend it, tho' -- they left out a lot of details.

It was Abridged Too Far.

B)

[Bligh]

I just finished a book on Operation Market-Garden.

I can't recommend it, tho' -- they left out a lot of details.

It was Abridged Too Far.

B)

By your usual high standards of bad puns Chris, that was well below the waterline.:clap:
Bligh.

[Nightmoss]

This one involves a bell, but no water. It made me chuckle but then my sense of humor is often dark. Enjoy (or not). :happy:

Guy walks into a church, climbs up to the belfry and runs face-first into the bell. It rings loudly, but he falls to his death. Police ask if anyone knows him and the reply is: "no, but his face rings a bell." Next day another stranger comes in, states it was his brother who died the day before, repeats the ringing and the fatal fall. When asked if anyone can ID him, the reply: "he's a dead ringer for his brother."

[Union Jack]

Think you'll find it's an American ship and way funnier.

https://uk.video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A2KLqIkEJkJWSSMAxDec3olQ;_ylu=X3oDMTByZWc0dGJtBHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDdmlkBHZ0aWQDBGdwb3MDMQ--?p=youtube+uss+montana+lighthouse&vid=468ef163cb4b60bb38f870ea08960a24&turl=http%3A%2F%2Ftse2.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DWN.OLwyFW3fzebTT5A%252b5OcoFQ%26pid%3D15.1%26h%3D225%26w%3D300%26c%3D7%26rs%3D1&rurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dx91iciAYcw0&tit=%26quot%3BUSS+Montana%26quot%3B+vs+Lighthouse....+FUNNY&c=0&h=225&w=300&l=55&sigr=11bt03men&sigt=11fi2k27d&sigi=12nc3eks3&age=1223474184&fr2=p%3As%2Cv%3Av&hsimp=yhs-fullyhosted_003&hspart=iry&tt=b


I have a couple of jokes to share and I know a bunch of you have more. Share!

To start us off...

This is the actual transcript of a radio conversation between a British Navy ship and the Irish Coastguard, off the coast of Kerry:

Irish. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid collision

British. Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north, to avoid collision

Irish. Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south ' to avoid collision.

British. This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Irish. Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course

British. THIS IS THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY 3 DESTROYERS, 3 CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT SHIPS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS FLOTILLA.

Irish. THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE ....... YOUR CALL!


12328

[Union Jack]

17747

[Naharaht]

Another groaner which your children may appreciate.

Question: What is a pirate's favourite vegetable?

Answer: Arrrrrtichoke. :Arrrr:

[Bligh]

Right you asked for it Dave!

What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in an ice floe?


Well shiver me timbers!

Bligh.

[Naharaht]

Nice one, Rob! :)

Another bad one:

What do pirates say about their gravy?


Answer: Arrrrr Bisto! :Arrrr:




(For the benefit of non-British members I had better explain that Bisto is a brand of gravy products and their slogan is "aah! Bisto".)
27163

[Bligh]

One for our American brethren.

How much does it cost a pirate to get a piercing? A buck an ear!

Rob.

[Bligh]

How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook? An arm and a leg!

Bligh.

[Bligh]

How did the pirate stop smoking? He used his patch!

Bligh.

[Bligh]

Why does a pirate's phone go beep beep beep beep beep? because he left it off the hook!

Rob.

[Bligh]

Why couldn't the pirate play cards?


Because he was sitting on the deck!

Rob.

[Union Jack]

The man stood on the burning deck
His head was all a quiver
From rotten jokes he was a wreck
And from ale all a shiver
He shouted out do give the hell
The puns are worse than flames
The ones old Cap'n Bligh do tell
Are nowt but a crying shame.
Send down your tears
Drown out the sound
Or drown me sodden fears
For either way it's Davy Jones I'm bound.

[Nightmoss]

The man stood on the burning deck
His head was all a quiver
From rotten jokes he was a wreck
And from ale all a shiver
He shouted out do give the hell
The puns are worse than flames
The ones old Cap'n Bligh do tell
Are nowt but a crying shame.
Send down your tears
Drown out the sound
Or drown me sodden fears
For either way it's Davy Jones I'm bound.

Now that is brilliant! :happy:

[Hjl]

The man stood on the burning deck
His head was all a quiver
From rotten jokes he was a wreck
And from ale all a shiver
He shouted out do give the hell
The puns are worse than flames
The ones old Cap'n Bligh do tell
Are nowt but a crying shame.
Send down your tears
Drown out the sound
Or drown me sodden fears
For either way it's Davy Jones I'm bound.

Haha very good

[Bligh]

A merry riposte to Neil.


I plead it was no awful puns
Bligh set alight around you.
For Dave it was who lit the spark,
with bad joke to astound you.
Twas he that proved a catalyst,
When warning he did shun,
Which set the thread of jokes aflame,
Which caused brave men to run.
The fire once kindled, neer goes out
Until from puns you pluck it,
Then just like smoke it fades away,
This last lines wrong, so ignore it.

Bligh.

[Nightmoss]

A merry riposte to Neil.


I plead it was no awful puns
Bligh set alight around you.
For Dave it was who lit the spark,
with bad joke to astound you.
Twas he that proved a catalyst,
When warning he did shun,
Which set the thread of jokes aflame,
Which caused brave men to run.
The fire once kindled, neer goes out
Until from puns you pluck it,
Then just like smoke it fades away,
This last lines wrong, so ignore it.

Bligh.

lol. Just as brilliant! Perhaps you two could be the new Gilbert and Sullivan? :wink:

[Naharaht]

Bligh, you are a poet
and we did not know it.

:takecover:

[Bligh]

lol. Just as brilliant! Perhaps you two could be the new Gilbert and Sullivan? :wink:

More like Laurel and Hardy if you ask me.


ARTIST: Gilbert and Sullivan
TITLE: The First Lord's Song

[HMS Pinafore]


When I was a lad I served a term
As office boy to an attorney's firm
I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor
And I polished up the handle of the big front door

I polished up that handle so carefully
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navy
He polished up that handle so carefully
That now he is the Ruler of the Queen's Navy


As office boy I made such a mark
That they gave me the post of a junior clerk
I served the writs with a smile so bland
And I copied all the letters in a big round hand

I copied all the letters in a hand so free
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navy
He copied all the letters in a hand so free
That now he is the Ruler of the Queen's Navy

In serving writs I made such a name
That an articled clerk I soon became
I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit
For the Pass Examination at the Institute

And that Pass Examination did so well for me
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navy
That Pass Examination did so well for he
That now he is the Ruler of the Queen's Navy

Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip
That they took me into the partnership
And that junior partnership I ween
Was the only ship that I ever had seen

But that kind of ship so suited me
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navy
But that kind of ship so suited he
That now he is the Ruler of the Queen's Navy

I grew so rich that I was sent
By a pocket borough into Parliament
I always voted at my party's call
And I never thought of thinking for myself at all

I thought so little, they rewarded me
By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navy
He thought so little, they rewarded he
By making him the Ruler of the Queen's Navy

Now, landsmen all, whoever you may be
If you want to rise to the top of the tree
If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule

Stick close to your desks and never go to sea
And you all may be Rulers of the Queen's Navy
Stick close to your desks and never go to sea
And you all may be Rulers of the Queen's Navy

[Bligh]

And now for the next broadside. You did not think you would get off that easily did you Dave?

Why do pirates wear eye patches?


They can’t afford an iPad!


Bligh.

[Union Jack]

How do pirates know that they are pirates?
A: They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

[Union Jack]

Why is pirating so addictive?
A: They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!

[Union Jack]

What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
A: He got marooned.

[Union Jack]

How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply?
A: He bought it on sail.

[Union Jack]

What has 8 legs, 8 arms and 8 eyes?
A: 8 pirates.

[Union Jack]

What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A: A rookie

[Union Jack]

What did the ocean say to the pirate?
A: Nothing, it just waved.

[Union Jack]

What’s the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate?
A: One has a rumbling tummy, and the other’s a tumbling rummy.

[Bligh]

How did the pirate get his ship so cheaply?

It was on sail.

Rob.

[Bligh]

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

"Aye Matey."

Bligh.

[Bligh]

Why do Pirates only cry in a corner on their own?
Because they prefer private tears.

Bligh.

[Nightmoss]

Did you know 3.14% of Sailors are Pi Rates?

[Bligh]

Now that is a good one Jim.:clap::clap::clap:
Rob.

[Naharaht]

Well done, Jim! :thumbsup:

[Bligh]

On a pirate ship out on the high seas, the First Mate was up in the crow’s nest looking out for danger. Suddenly, a huge wave came from nowhere and slapped the side of the ship so hard it rocked back and forth. The First Mate fell from the crow’s nest, through the upper deck and crashed right into the Captain’s quarters. The Captain strolled into his quarters and, astonished, asked the First Mate if he was alright.
“Aye Captain,” the first mate answered, “I be fine, I’ve been through hard ships before!”

Rob.

[Nightmoss]

Q: Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?
A: Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.

[Nightmoss]

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A: A bird that will talk your head off.

[Bligh]

Did you hear about the red pirate ship that collided with the blue pirate ship?… All the sailors were marooned.


Bligh.

[Bligh]

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?

Because they spend years at C!

Rob.

[Nightmoss]

Q: Why is pirating so addictive?
A: They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!

[Bligh]

A Midshipman asks the Master, "What's a bar?"

The ships Master replies, " Tiz a low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers swanning around both."

Rob.

[Nightmoss]

Q: What's it called when a pirate's sloop runs aground?
A: It's ship out of luck.

Found a few ''R" rated jokes recently, but as this site is family friendly I will refrain from posting. :wink:

[Bligh]

What do you call a sail with only 2 corners?


"I haven't got a clew!"

Rob.

[Bligh]

Why do Pirates have long hair.

Because sea captains don't like crew cuts.


Rob.

[Hjl]

Why do Pirates have long hair.

Because sea captains don't like crew cuts.


Rob.

Oh lord.

[Nightmoss]

Q: What's the favorite part of a birthday party for a pirate?
A: Da-balloons!!

[Bligh]

What does Captain Jack Sparrow use to cook?

Pyrex of the Caribbean!

Bligh.

[Nightmoss]

What does Captain Jack Sparrow use to cook?

Pyrex of the Caribbean!

Bligh.

To quote Hugh, "Oh, lord."

[Bligh]

To quote Hugh, "Oh, lord."

Don't blame me Jim, Dave started it! :wink:
Rob.

[Naharaht]

What do you call a pirate with paperbacks attached to his earrings?

A Book-on-ear.

[Bligh]

How do pirates prefer to communicate?

Aye to aye!

Bligh.

[Nightmoss]

Q: How do pirates pay for a round o' rum down at the pub?
A: With Bar-Nickels!

[Bligh]

God one Jim.:clap:
If any of these can be rated as good!:shock:
Rob.

[Naharaht]

How do we know that Jake the Peg was a pirate?

Answer: Because he was a three-booter.

[Nightmoss]

God one Jim.:clap:
If any of these can be rated as good!:shock:
Rob.

Well, I figure if they make me groan or chuckle they're good for something. :wink:

[Bligh]

How do ye turn a pirate furious?

Take the ‘p’. out of him.

Bligh.

[Bligh]

What's a pirate's favorite letter?


You may think it's the RRRRR, but it's the C that they're in love with! Aye.

Bligh.

[TexaS]

How pirates started using Arrh.

"The cannons be loaded, Capt'n"
"Are"
"We be ready, Cap'n"
"ARE!"

[Naharaht]

Two naval officers were on shore leave in Malaya. They found a river leading into a beautiful bay and decided to go swimming. They asked a local fisherman. "Are there any sharks in the bay today?" "No sharks.", he replied, so they went and enjoyed their swims.

Afterwards they found the fisherman again, thanked him and asked, "Are there ever sharks in the bay?". "No, never.", he replied,"Too many crocodiles!".

[Bligh]

Where can ye find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?


Right where ye left him.


Rob.

[Bligh]

Why does the mermaid wear seashells?…

Because she grew out of her B-shells.


Rob.

[Dobbs]

Why does the mermaid wear seashells?…

Because she grew out of her B-shells.


Rob.

This one made my wife groan.

[Bligh]

This one made my wife groan.

Dobbs. I could not possibly comment.:wink:
Rob.

[Bligh]

How long does it take the average person to learn to sail?




The average person never learns to sail!


Bligh.

[Bligh]

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"


Rob.

[Bligh]

"Well," snarled the tough old Boatswain to the bewildered Seaman.
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, bosun!" the Seaman replied.
"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

Rob.

[Nightmoss]

Q: What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?

A: It gets wet.

[Bligh]

Yesss! http://www.wingsofwar.org/forums/images/smilies/th_happy_186.gifhttp://www.wingsofwar.org/forums/images/smilies/th_happy_186.gifhttp://www.wingsofwar.org/forums/images/smilies/th_happy_186.gif

Rob.

[Bligh]

Remember-the two most dangerous things in the navy are a Purser with a quill pen and paper, and a Midshipman with an idea.

Bligh.

[Nightmoss]

Q: What happens when you throw a red rock in the Black Sea?

A: It sinks to the bottom.

[David Manley]

Remember-the two most dangerous things in the navy are a Purser with a quill pen and paper, and a Midshipman with an idea.

Bligh.

I would suggest that an admiral with an idea is equally, if not more dangerous :happy:

[Bligh]

I would suggest that an admiral with an idea is equally, if not more dangerous :happy:

Right on Dave.
Thankfully for us Nelson with an idea, was dangerous in a totally different sort of way to most other Admirals.
Rob.

[Nightmoss]

Q: Where does seaweed look for a job?

A: In the ‘Kelp-wanted’ ads.

[Bligh]

Why did the admiral decide against buying a new hat?

He was afraid of cap sizing.

Rob.

[csadn]

"What's your Halloween costume this year?"

"The most-terrifying thing in the universe -- a Midshipman with a map and compass."

[Bligh]

My Midshipman went on a sailing course in Poole.

In Dorset?

Yes, I'd recommend it to anyone.


Bligh.

[Bligh]

There once was a pirate named Bates,
Who danced the Fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nut less,
And practically useless on dates!

Bligh.

[Naharaht]

Q: Why do pirates need lots of shampoo and conditioner?

A: Because they have coarse hair.

[Bligh]

I saw a Boatswain's mate managing to juggle twenty rowing implements.

It was oar inspiring.

Bligh.

[Nightmoss]

Q: Why don’t oysters give to charity?

A: Because they’re shellfish.

[Bligh]

Big sale on rowing paddles at my local ship's chandlers.


It’s quite an oar deal.

Rob.

[Nightmoss]

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A: F sh

[Bligh]

I’m not one for buoyancy, but whatever floats your boat…

Rob.

[Bligh]

What keeps the sea from flooding a dry dock?

Pier pressure.

Rob.

[csadn]

How do you cure constipation in a sailor?

"SHARK!"

[Bligh]

A treasure ship on its way back to port.

About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate ship, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate. "First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt."
The first mate did so. Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops! "Captain, captain, what should we do?" "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration.

The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt. "It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed by, and as they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's Fleet were approaching!

"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.

Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown breeches!"


Bligh.

[Bligh]

My Jolly boat crew are really too talkative.

They are always sticking their oar in.

Bligh.

[Bligh]

Why are fast Frigates like popular furniture stores?

Because they always seem to have gigantic sails on.


Rob.

[Bligh]

“I saw a chap with a big bushy beard earlier.”

“Was it a naval beard?”

“No, it was on his chin like everyone else”.

Bligh.

[Bligh]

Which sailors blow their noses most often?

The Anchor Chiefs.

Bligh.

[Bligh]

A sailor eating alphabet soup found the seven Cs.
Bligh.

[Bligh]

Starting to run out of jokes now. Anyone else like to chip in with a few nautical wimseys?


Just bought a really expensive barge pole.

Thought I'd really push the boat out.


Rob.

[Bligh]

I can’t think of any more boat puns.

Canoe?

Rob.

[Naharaht]

28205

[Bligh]

Thanks Dave.
Baled me out again.:happy:
Rob.

[Nightmoss]

Q: What do you do with a sick boat?

A: Take it to the doc!

[Bligh]

Found one at last Jim.
Thanks for standing in there.

3.14% of Sailors are Pi Rates.

Rob.

[Bligh]

Question: Who's that at the door?

Answer: A pirate with a wooden leg.

Questioner: Tell him to hop it.

Rob.

[Bligh]

There's a Pirate at the Tavern door with a Bill.

Don't be silly it must be a Seagull with a hat on.



28216
Rob.

[Nightmoss]

Q: What is a pirate's favorite element?

A: Aye. Ye might say aarrrrgon, but no, it's the element of surprise!

[Bligh]

Good one Jim.
Two jokes in one.
Keep them coming.:clap:
Rob.

[Nightmoss]

A: What did the Pirate on Wheel of Fortune say?

Q: I’d like to buy an Aye!

[Nightmoss]

Q: Why don’t you ever see a pirate cry?

A: When they do, it’s a private tear!

[Naharaht]

In ancient times, seagoing vessels were much more fuel efficient. They got thousands of miles to the galleon.

[Bligh]

28270

Rob.

[Bligh]

Nautical Terms:

Ahoy The first in a series of four letter words commonly exchanged by skippers as their boats approach one another

Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.

Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.

Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.

Bar - Long, low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.

Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are 'bow sea' (waves striking from the front), 'following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and 'quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).

Bend - A knot used to tie two lines together in a manner such that it cannot be untied, yet has the uncanny ability to untie itself when unattended.

Berth - a little addition to the crew.



Boom - A laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.

Bulkhead - Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much

Cabin - A cramped, closet like compartment below decks where crew members may be stored - on their sides if large or on end if small - until needed.

Calm - Sea condition characterised by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beer

Channel - Narrow stretch of deep or dredged waterway bordered by buoys or markers that separates two or more grounded boats

Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.

Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.

Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the language that results by not being able to.

Current - Tidal flow that carries a boat away from it desired destination or toward a hazard.

Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.

Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.

Displacement - when you dock your boat and can't find it later.

Fitting Out - Series of maintenance tasks performed on boats ashore during good weather weekends in spring and summer months to make them ready for winter storage.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.



Flotsam - Anything floating in the water from which there is no response when an offer of a rum is made.

Fluke - The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom: also, any occasion when this happens on the first try.

Galley - Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery.
Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery



Gimbals - Movable mountings often found on shipboards lamps, compasses etc which provide landlubbers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enough to be converted into unwanted calories.

Grounding - Embarrassing situation in which a sailor returns to shore without leaving his boat.

Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.

Hatch - An opening in a deck leading to the cabin below with a cover designed to let water in while keeping fresh air out.

Hull speed - The maximum theoretical velocity of a given boat through the water, which is 1.5 times the square root of its waterline length in feet, divided by the distance to port in miles, minus the time in hours to sunset cubed.

Jibe - Course change which causes the boom to sweep rapidly across the cockpit; also, frequent type of comment made by observers of this maneuver.

Lanyard - A light line attached to a small article so that it can be secured somewhere well out of reach.

Leeward - The direction in which objects, liquids and other matter may be thrown without risk of re encountering them in the immediate future.

Life jacket - Any personal floatation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel, above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.

Mizzen - The shorter aft mast on a yawl or ketch. Any mast that is no longer there.

Moon - Earth’s natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue color, sailing conditions are generally favorable.


Pilotage - The art of getting lost in sight of land, as opposed to the distinct and far more complex science of navigation used to get lost in offshore waters.

Port - 1. Left on a boat.
2. A place you wish you never left on a boat.

Propeller - Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speeds any lines left hanging over the stern.

Radar - Extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. Players try to avoid colliding with “blips” which represent other sailboats, large container ships and oil tankers.


Sailing - The art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.

Satellite Navigation - Sophisticated electronic location method that enables sailors to instantly determine the exact latitude and longitude, within just a few feet, anywhere on the surface of the of the earth, of whatever it was they just ran aground on.

Single handed sailing - The only situation in which the skipper does not immediately blame the crew for every single thing that goes wrong

Spinnaker - Large beautiful balloon shaped sail used in powerful downwind sailing, collapses at the sides to make control difficult and when lowered stores neatly into the galley and main cabin and heads all at the same time.

Tides - The rise and fall of ocean waters. There are two tides of interest to mariners: the ebb tide sailors encounter as they attempt to enter port and the flood tide they experience as they try to leave.

Yardarm - Horizontal spar mounted in such a way that when viewed from the cockpit, the sun is always over it.

Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin

Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.

[Bligh]

What do you call a sailor with a large flatfish on his head?

Ray.

Bligh.

[Bligh]

What's are the most dangerous vegetables on a ship?

Leeks!

Bligh.

[Nightmoss]

A landlubber, a sailor, and an old salty pirate went into a tavern and
they each ordered a mug of rum. They all found a fly in their drink.

The landlubber looked into his mug and said, "Hey bartender,
I have a fly in my rum. Give me another drink."

The sailor looked into his mug, found the fly,
reached in an picked it out then continued drinking.

The old salty pirate looked into his mug, saw the fly,
grabbed it by it's wings, shook it over the glass and yelled,
"Spit it out, Spit it out!"

Credit for this joke goes to: http://brethrencoast.com/Pirate_Humor.html

[Bligh]

A Ships painter was awarded the job of painting a Sloop and when the newly appointed Captain asked him, how long it would take him to finish the job, he replied, "Two weeks".
Three weeks went by and the Captain, a little concerned of the delay, confronted the painter. "You told me that it would take you two weeks to paint my Sloop and it's been three weeks. The painter put his paintbrush down, looked the Captain in the eye and said, "That was two NAUTICAL weeks, just like a nautical mile, they're a little longer".


Rob.

[Nightmoss]

Q: Which side of his boat does a good pirate try to avoid?

A: The outside.

[Nightmoss]

Rob the Pirate was drinking rum all night.

He thought he’d feel better in the morning if he drank some hot water – but it only made him groggy.

[Bligh]

Many a true word Jim.
That effect can last several days.
Believe me I know from sad experience.
Rob.

[Bligh]

The Frigate was hopelessly lost on the ocean. The sun was going down and the waves were starting to build when one of the sailors growled, “I thought you said you were the best damn captain in Jamaica.”
“Oh I am,” replied the captain firmly, "but I'm pretty sure we're in the Azores by now.”

Rob.

[Nightmoss]

Many a true word Jim.
That effect can last several days.
Believe me I know from sad experience.
Rob.

Believe it or not I did not substitute your name in that joke. It's exactly as I found it. Did they know you from past history? :wink:

[Nightmoss]

Q: Why did the pirate go on vacation?

A: He needed some arrr and arrrr!

[Bligh]

Believe it or not I did not substitute your name in that joke. It's exactly as I found it. Did they know you from past history? :wink:

If they new that they must have known me 50 years ago Jim.
I have seldom touched Rum from that week.:rum::envy:
Rob.

[Bligh]

A the result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore.
As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain, "Why don't you start at the beginning?"

The captain replies , " Okay. In the beginning I created heaven and the earth..."

Rob.

[Bligh]

What if the Battle of Trafalgar had taken place in modern times?



Just before the Battle of Trafalgar - a conversation is overheard on the deck of HMS Victory;


Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”
Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”
Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?”
Hardy: “Sorry sir?”
Nelson (reading aloud): ” England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.” “What gobbledygook is this?”
Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”


Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.”
Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”


Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it ………..full speed ahead.”
Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.”
Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”
Nelson: “What?”
Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral.”
Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”
Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”


Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven’t you seen the adverts?”


Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
Nelson: “What? This is mutiny !”
Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”


Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”
Nelson: “We’re not?”
Hardy: “No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”

Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report.”
Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.”
Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life”


Nelson: “Don’t tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
Nelson: “What about sodomy?”
Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.”


Nelson: “In that case …kiss me, Hardy.

Bligh.

[Bligh]

Why do Pirates moored a captured Ship by the stern?

It's being held to transom.


Bligh.

[Naharaht]

Here is another groaner.

28353

[Bligh]

Good one Dave.

Now something more Philosophical :

If the Ships Captain says something in the middle of the Ocean is he still wrong.

Rob.

[Naharaht]

28364

[Bligh]

That reminded me of this one Dave.

Ten years on a deserted island A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"







Rob. (http://www.ahajokes.com/gol003.html)

[Naharaht]

28398

[Bligh]

How do you save a drowning pirate?

with C P ARRRRRRRRR

Rob.

[Naharaht]

28408

[Bligh]

What did the Captain say to the crew when they had a problem?

Don't forget that we are in the same boat.

Rob.

[Naharaht]

28485

[Bligh]

28490



Rob.

[Naharaht]

28523

[Bligh]

28525

Rob.

[Naharaht]

28595

[Bligh]

28596

[Naharaht]

28608

[Bligh]

28616

[Naharaht]

28628

[Bligh]

28629

Bligh.

[Naharaht]

28635

[Bligh]

28637

Rob.

[Naharaht]

28646

[Bligh]

28648

[Naharaht]

28674

[Bligh]

28675

[Naharaht]

28683

[Bligh]

28695

[Naharaht]

28757

[Bligh]

28758

[Bligh]

Today's offering is.......

28918

Rob.

[Naharaht]

28921

[Bligh]

Nice one!

Rob.

[Naharaht]

28945

[Bligh]

28946

[Naharaht]

28952

[Bligh]

28953

Rob.

[Naharaht]

28974

[Bligh]

28975

Rob.

[Naharaht]

28985

[Bligh]

28987

[Naharaht]

28995

[Bligh]

28996

[Naharaht]

29001

[Bligh]

29003

[Bligh]

One for today.


29010

Rob.

[Naharaht]

29011

[Bligh]

That one gets my seal of approval Dave.
Rob.

[Naharaht]

Thank you, Rob.

29012

[Bligh]

29016

[Naharaht]

29053

[Bligh]

29058

[Naharaht]

29067

[Bligh]

29072

[Naharaht]

Question: Why don't pirates take aspirin for headaches?

Answer: Because parrots eat 'em all.

[Bligh]

29078

[Naharaht]

29083

[Bligh]

One for our American brethren.

29085

Rob.

[Naharaht]

29140

[Bligh]

29141

[Naharaht]

29152

[Bligh]

On the Gin and rigging one Ares ship too many the night before never gives you a dreamless night's sleep!


29155
Bligh.

[Naharaht]

29180

[Bligh]

29192

[David Manley]

http://i.imgur.com/aRGfb1W.jpg

[Naharaht]

29196

[Bligh]

29198